Episode 310 “Heaven and Earth”

Hello everyone! Wow, it’s been a while. Dear lord, I didn’t think my computer problems would ever end. But now I’m at a point where I can finish my season 3 recaps and hopefully get them done before this latest Droughtlander ends. Sorry for the delay for those of you who are still with me. And for those who are, please share so that everyone who loved my work can know I’ve woken up again to all things Outlander. Well enough of my blathering and lets get on with it, yeah?


1. Without any credits we start off with Jamie and Fergus talking about a bag of potpourri.




As they are talking, Fergus looks up and tells Jamie that the Porpoise is leaving the Artemis high and dry. With Jamie’s wife on board. The wife who just recently came into his life after a 20 year hiatus. Yeah, that wife. Not the crazy one that shot him in the arm or tried to kill his other wife in a witch trial. That’s the second wife.   And that’s when I realize how messed up this entire series is because Jamie should only have ever had ONE wife. I’m talking Claire. But we all knew that.


So naturally he goes full on crazy eye on the captain, demanding that the captain chase down the Porpoise.


crazy eye


I mean, Jamie seriously has crazy eye syndrome here. And then he attacks the captain and demands he follow the ship. And this doesn’t sit well with the crew so they draw blades and guns at Jamie. Jamie’s pals don’t like this at all, so they draw blades and guns at the other ship mates. It’s a full on standoff. The captain tells Jamie to have his men lower their blades. Seeing he has the situation out of control, he agrees.


With peace now in hand, the captain orders the crew to take Jamie to the brig until he’s calmed down. Which will be a while because we all know Jamie isn’t the one to calm down while his wife is in danger. (the first wife, ken?)


2. On board the Porpoise, Claire is doing her thing which includes ordering men around all Twentieth Century fashion and the men balking and being disagreeable in their Eighteenth Century fashion.

One guy steps up and asks how they’re going to clean up all the shit, but Claire informs him that it’s just vomit. Which isn’t so horrible, but still pretty shitty. Then, as she is walking away, the same guy is all, “grumble grumble mumble, lady doctor.” Which is completely unheard of because in his time, that’s an oxymoron.

Mr. Pound gets in this guy’s face and explains to him that the man was ordered to do whatever she said and to give the lady all due respect. The guy says, “As you wish, sir.” with the air of “Fuck off, kid.” but then goes back to work trying to mop up vomit.

As they are leaving, they have to dip their hands in alcohol, which Mr. Pound does, but then starts licking his fingers. Well, this doesn’t sit well with Claire, and she gives him a lecture on sanitation and germs and why alcohol is needed to get rid of the infection.


3. When they are out on deck, the kid comes up and gives her a tricorn hat to ward against the sun. Then he explains that there just so happens to be a couple of rum runners who are on the ship that could set up a still to make pure grain alcohol. Well, this has to go through another chain of command, the purser. And he isn’t too wild about the whole idea at all.


purser meme

Finally, after the reality of the situation, and a steely eyed Claire Fraser MD, he relents and asks how many casks they need. At which she answers, “How many men do you want me to save?” at which point, I’d like to think all of them, except that one guy who sings the off key shanty songs, that guy can be thrown overboard, because that guy sucks.

4. Claire and Mr. Pound go back into the hold to check on the crew and already the still has pumped out some pure grain alcohol. They’re going down the aisle, and Claire asks Mr. Pound what his name is. He goes by Elias. And then he explains that he’s been in the navy since he was seven. And I’m all like, “Dude, seven, really? At seven years old I was just playing with Legos and reading Spider-man comics. This kid is hardcore. I hope nothing happens to him.” Because at this point I’m starting to get fond of the kid.


Then they come to a friend of his who has died and tells the back story of how this man came from the same village as he, and how his mother was dead, and how he can’t make wait to get to Jamaica to start a new life and get married and raise a few bairns of his own and live happily ever after, which will totally happen.

5. Then she goes to the captain’s cabin to read the surgeon’s journal. Within minutes of investigating, she discovers that there is a carrier on board. Yep, the Porpoise has their very own Typhoid Mary, but in this case it’s a Typhoid Joe. He works with the cook now. And Claire is all, “Great, that’s all we need. A carrier of infection serving food. Why did I come back to the Eighteenth Century anyway? Oh yeah, a Ginger Haired highlander with an Adonis physique and a pearly voice that melts my ovaries with a glance.”

So they go to the Galley and the Joe Howard is all, “Dudes, I’m feeling fine, like, let it go already, yeah?” And the cook pretty much echoes his sentiment, which makes me wonder why the cook hasn’t gotten sick yet. Claire explains to Mr. Mansplainer Cook that the source of the disease is serving food and that’s why men are still dying. He’s complaining about having to boil water (like that’s a fresh concept) and half rations of grog but Claire insists something be done with Typhoid Joe, and the captain has no other option than to have the man arrested and thrown in the brig.

6. And speaking of the brig, Here’s Jamie, getting seasick again because he doesn’t have Mr. W’s acupuncture. He can’t eat or keep anything down, even when Fergus comes down to help him


jamie 1


Fergus thinks about this for a minute and says he can’t do it. The men will never come around. And I’m getting that, too. I mean, come on, Jamie, you’re weak, ill equipped for a battle, and it’s seven against twenty.

Jamie has an answer for how to get to the Porpoise but it involves getting rid of Jared’s wine. But when they reach the other ship, he doesn’t have a plan for that. Fergus is still not having any of this talk. Jamie says, “I know now I was right not to give you my blessing. Because you dinna ken what love is.”

And I realize that just because this show, I’ve been using the phrase “dinna ken” in my speaking pattern lately and that’s why I’ve been getting silly looks. Fergus says he may not be a smart man, but he knows what love is. Jamie scoffs, “If you did, you would move Heaven and Earth to be with the one you love.”

Finally, he tells Fergus, “get me the keys and I’ll give you my blessing to marry Marsali.”


7. Back on the Porpoise, the bodies of the dead are fitted for burial at sea. It’s a somber moment, with the undertaker sewing up the shrouds for the dead to be thrown overboard. Elias comes to the body of the man from his village. He explains that the person closest to the dead has to sew the last stitch through the nose (I’m guessing so they can discern that the man is really dead.) So he does it, and then they go through the ceremony and at the end of it, they throw the dead bodies over.

8. Later, Claire is hanging out at the railing trying to compartmentalize the deaths when the cook comes up and shoves it in her face that the sickness took eleven men today, more than yesterday and the day before that. And what are you doing? Boiling water. Before he can do anything bad to her, Mr. Pound comes to her rescue like a white knight and I’m loving this kid. I’m sure nothing bad is going to happen to him. Besides, after they talk about his mother and how she sent him on the voyage with a “Good luck kid, you’re on your own,” she also gave him a lucky rabbit’s foot. Which he gives to Claire, so we know both of them have all the luck in the world now.

Moments later, one of the men comes to tell Claire that here’s been another man found ill, and when she asks who it is, they explain it’s the husband of the woman who keeps the goats.

9. So everyone thinks this guy is sick with the typhoid, but it’s a different kind of illness. He’s drunk himself half to death on the pure alcohol because he’s German and that’s apparently what German guys do.


bloody this


She apologizes to Mr. Pound for what she said, and he’s all, “Yeah, I’ve heard that from other people but not from a gentle woman.” and Claire says, “I’m not a gentle woman, Mr. Pound.” which is true, because most of the time she’s kicking ass and taking names.

After this ordeal is sorted, she thanks Annika, the lady with the goats, for helping with all the goats milk. The woman asks her if she should keep doing it, and Claire says yes. Then, as she is getting ready to go, she spots a Portuguese flag. Well, this goes into a short flashback where we get Jared explaining that the ship Ian was captured by flew a Portugese flag. Duhn duhnt dun!

“Mr, Jones, when did you get that flag?” she asks the surly guy from earlier who just now happens to have a name because apparently he likes hanging around with Claire and Mr. Pound, because everyone likes that kid. He’s got a long and healthy life ahead of him, Elias does, so everyone wants to be his friend.

Mr. Jones explains that they met up with a ship two weeks ago to find a surgeon but he doesn’t know anything beyond that. Best ask the captain.

10. So she goes to the captain’s cabin, and with him not home, just barges in to do a little snooping on her own. Which never works out, EVER. I mean, like in the history of this series, has anything every worked out for the best when Claire goes snooping on her own? Which goes to show, you never split the party!


So she’s snooping around and finds the captain’s Journal. Turns out, the Portuguese ship wasn’t the Bruja. But then she sees a note about Jamie Fraser being aboard the Artemis, and a guy named Harry Tompkins that told the captain about the seditious pamphlets from three episodes ago.

Just as she is going to leave, here’s our old pal the cook, to fetch the captain’s pipe. But what does he find instead? A snoopy woman he doesn’t like. So his first response to a woman he doesn’t like and doesn’t trust is to push her against a desk and menace her. Why do I get the feeling that every British officer or bad guy read the book “How to be a Dastardly Prick, by Johnathan Wolverton Randall Esq.”?

So after sharing a mutual distaste for each other, Claire threatens to scream, and knowing the captain has the sweets for her, the cook decides to beg off and wait for another time.

A few moments later, she goes back to her room and decides she has to find this Mr. Tompkins.

11. Back on the Artemis, Fergus tells Marsali that in order for them to finally be legitimized by Jamie, he has to steal the keys to the cell and help Jamie take the ship by force. Marsali looks at him the way all women look at their significant other when they’re thinking about doing something stupid.


So he figures it out and they start kissing and then kissing more and she says, “So he’s locked away, she’s on another ship to god knows where, let’s do it.” And he’s about to, but then stops and says he can’t. and it’s not performance issues either, because this kid’s handsome as the devil. She says, “You’re just like him, stubborn.” and he leaves.


Leaving her with a face like

french face

12. Back on the Porpoise, Claire brings Mr. Pound in to help him find Mr. Tompkins. She explains that he may be another carrier, and that she needs him brought to her chambers as soon as possible. And left there, so she can talk to him. Alone. With no one around. Where he can’t be heard when he shouts for his bloody life. And don’t inform the captain, because that would be awkward.

Then she tells the kid to get some sleep because he looks kinda ragged. Of course, following Claire Fraser Medicine Woman around all the time will surely leave a kid a little breathless. I’m sure he’s fine though. He’s totally fine. Gonna be a fine sailor one day, that kid.

13. Back on the Artemis, the action is heating up. Fergus goes down the hallway to where the other sailors are talking about Jamie Fraser as if he’s a demi god, which he is. They don’t trust him, or that Frenchy, but that girl he’s with is kinda hot, and they’d like to do a run around on her, or something. So Fergus looks in, sees the keys and decides it’s not worth risking his life for them. He turns around and goes back before any of the sailors see him.

14. Mr. Tompkins is led to Claire’s office kicking and screaming. Once he’s there, Claire tells Mr. Jones and Elias to leave him with her. But then he gets a good look at her and there’s a moment of fear in his eyes, because he knows what’s coming.

Then she goes to the door and clicks it shut.

face claire


He tells her that he knows who she is, and when she asks who he thinks she is, he says, “Mistress Fraser.” Well, she is running her hand over all manner of death dealing implements but can’t really fucking do anything because that fucking Hippocratic Oath. But he doesn’t know that, does he? No, he does not.

So he goes on with the whole “My life is over, I’ve been burned with hot lead, my arm has been broken I think, I thought I would get a promotion from Sir Percival Turner, but all I got was press ganged onto a plague ship. So put me out of my misery!”

She threatens to do just that, but wants to know more about what he knows about Jamie Fraser. The captain knows Jamie is on the Artemis, and is waiting for you to reach Kingston so he can capture him and have him hanged for murder and sedition.

Wait, Murder?

“Yes,” the man says. “Before we left, we found a dead body in a cask of Creme De Menthe.” and Claire has that Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ look on her face.

Then they take him down to the brig where the other carrier is and put Tompkins in a cell opposite. She then goes on to explain that the man in the other cell is a carrier of the disease, and Tompkins better stay away from the bars as much as possible if he doesn’t want to get sick.

15. Claire then goes to Annika the Goat Lady to check on her husband. Annika is grateful for everything Claire did, even though she didn’t really do a shitting thing. But that’s irrelevant, because she got some pretty delicious smelling goat cheese out of the deal so way to go #TeamClaire.

Annika senses something about Claire’s demeanor and asks what’s going on with her. Well, Claire goes on about how Jamie is a suspect for murder, how he’s going to be picked up in Jamaica and how she’s bait, and she doesn’t know what to do. You know, typical Claire and Jamie troubles. These two can never have nice things.


goats grass

16. Jamie is still in the cell and Fergus comes in to tell him what happened. “I didn’t get the keys because I didn’t try.” he tells Jamie.

“And why the hell not?” Jamie asks, incredulous.

“Because the men on board don’t like you, they don’t trust you, and they’ll throw us overboard if I do it. I couldn’t stand losing Marsali, and you, and everyone I love, so there.” and then he goes to the door. But before he leaves, he says, “You asked me if I would move heaven and earth to save the ones I love. Well I’m saving you too. Perhaps I love too much.” Aww, what a great kid. I hope nothing ever happens to him. I mean apart from having his hand cut off. He’s going to have such a lovely family.

17. Back on the Porpoise, Claire is in the hold with the sick men and Mr. Jones. She notices that there haven’t been any sounds of coughing and vomiting. “They haven’t lost any men for three days,” Mr. Jones explains. “We’re past the worst of it now.”

She pulls out the lucky rabbit’s foot that Elias gave her and goes to find him. She walks past the men singing a jaunty tune about a whore named Nancy or something. I can’t help but smile because there’s so much happiness now that they aren’t a disease ridden ship filled with plague and death. Now that everyone is happy and safe, I’m sure the rest of the voyage is going to go smoothly.


finding elias

MOTHERFUCKER! He wasn’t supposed to die! Elias, don’t go to mother! Claire, you save him. You save him NOW! What the fresh hell is this!? Thanks Outlander, now my eyes are draining. Thanks. So fucking much. Oh my god I hate this show now. You have blood on your hands, you sick bastards! Killing a kid, have you no mercy!!?

And she has to sew the last thing through the nose? Oh my god and she gave him his lucky rabbits foot and I am no fucking good at this point. No good. At. All. Hand me the Kleenex, this is full on ugly cry. This is Dobby the House Elf and Harry digging the grave by hand crying.

18. Ten minutes later when I got myself under control, I hit play again. The captain comes to commiserate with an exhausted Claire. He commends her on her efforts to rid the ship of the disease, but there are other problems.

He leaves after giving her a kudos for her bravery and resilience in this challenge. He couldn’t have done it without her. Then Annika and another man come to tell her that they can smell land. They’re going to set foot on soil again. Annika says, “And my goats need grass,” and then Claire’s all, “Oh, I get it now.” yeah, the girl wanted to tell you that you could escape, girlfriend.

19. On the island, Claire and Annika talk briefly before Claire makes her getaway. Which is about as smooth as a non skid porch paint. She is quickly caught by the Captain and a couple of redcoats.


glass face


Can’t you look the other way on this one? She asks. I mean, I did just save your ship. Come on, dude. Do a girl a solid, would ya? And he’s all, no can do, baby cakes. I took an oath and I have to keep it. Wouldn’t be doing my job if I just let you and your husband go to have all kinds of cool adventures in the mainland, now would I?

So he escorts her back to the ship. But this is Claire Fraser, we’re talking about here. She’ll figure out a way, she always does. I mean, she rescued her husband from the Helwater pit of hell, she’s capable of anything.

20. Back on the Artemis, Marsali and the captain come down and talk to Jamie. They’re close to land, and he needs all able bodies. Jamie is skeptical about this, but Marsali says, “Give him your word you won’t try anything, and he’ll set you free.”

Jamie says, “He must love you a lot to make this kind of deal.” and Marsali is all, “Dude, really? He loves you more. Just give your fucking word so we can get out of this shit.”

So Jamie does, and then gives the kids his blessing once they get to Jamaica. And they’re all, “Yay, we’re team #FerSali again!”

21. Claire is led to the back of the Porpoise by Annika, her new bestie. Annika is all, “You Jump now. You warn husband.” So Claire throws her things overboard, gives the lady a hug, and with a final Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, takes a dive.

The end.


And now here it is, your Jamie mooney eye pic of the week.









309 The Doldrums

Hey everyone, did you miss me? Wow, I know it’s been a while since my last recap but the holidays and snow really cramped my ability to fully recap or even watch the show we all know and love. But I’m back, ready to dish out a new recap of Outlander season three in the coming weeks just to catch up and get ready for season 4. (I Know I’ll be done by then.)

Anyway, since you’ve waited so long, I’ll just get to it, aye?

1. Let’s talk about those credits, yeah? New scenes, new music, new everything. This is just a taste of where the rest of the series will be taking us. Once again, Mr. Macreary goes all in on the soundtrack and it’s wonderful. Lots of jungles ahead, too.

2.We are in a port with Jamie and Claire about the voyage ahead. At first viewing, I thought they were in France because that’s where they were supposed to be in the book. But I have to put away my book purist here because I remember it’s an adaptation. But I would have liked to see them at least go visit the grave of Faith, just to have a little bit of closure or something akin to emotion about the first baby. It’s unsettling that they would gloss over this moment that offers to show some emotional connection between Jamie and Claire that they haven’t been able to have since she returned. I feel there needed to be more of a coming together than just the A Malcolm episode. This would have proved a quick reminder to both of them what truly matters to them in their lives going forward. I don’t like the fact that Faith has been forgotten the rest of this series.

Jared is explaining to them how Jamie is going to be the Supercargo in charge of the cargo of the ship, which is of great relief to the captain of the Artemis. He explains that the ship carrying Ian is the Bruscha, and is more likely heading for the West Indies to be sold for about 30 pounds, which is what a kid of his particular talent would be worth. Oh, and by the way, the Artemis is going to be bobbing like a cork, but luckily you have a physician on board. Jared gives Jamie this knowing look like, yeah, I know you have seasickness, so having this lady around will help.

Then, the two guys from the print shop come up. I’m calling them Little Angus and New Rupert because I can’t remember their names and to me, this is the season 3 version of our two lovable lugs from season one and two. Also, these guys are passable as comic foils, but not up to the high standards generated by the original comic duo. They explain that everything is ready to go, and they should get going if they’re going to stay ahead of the weather. Little Angus wants to wait, but New Rupert is adamant. Before they go, though, LA tells Jamie that their cargo from Lallybroch has been brought on board by Fergus, who they’ve been waiting for.


Then, They’re ready to go, and Claire asks about Jenny. Jamie says, yeah, she still thinks we’re in Paris, so there’s that, but I’ve sent her a letter. And I can imagine what it entailed.

My dearest Jenny

Hello. How are you? I am fine. I hope you are fine. Soo… yeah, you’re not going to believe this but I think I messed up. Actually, thinking isn’t the word, I really did mess up. I mean literally shit the bed with this whole ‘Getting the money from Selkie Island’ situation. You’re going to laugh, actually. Well, maybe not. Anyhoo, so here’s what happened.

We got to the place I remembered and everything was going great. Ian went out to the water, dived in, and swam with little effort to the island. While he was there, Claire was going on about not wanting to be my wife, and how we shouldn’t be together anymore, and I was trying to convince her to stay while giving her the patented Jamie Fraser Mooney eye. When all the sudden, the unexpected happened.

I mean, who would have thought for a million years that a pirate ship would show up at that very spot at that exact time? I certainly didn’t. Anyway, So there was a pirate ship, we tried to warn young Ian, but it was to no avail, and they captured him.

Yes, you read that right, sis. Ian has been captured by Pirates. Now we are sailing to the West Indies to find him. It’s okay, we’ll get him, because only the worst writer would actually write in the death of the lad. So we are fine there. So, sorry, things took a turn for the worse. But dinna fash it, we’ll get him back. Maybe we can find a place in the States, bed down, not make any other problems for ourselves, and live happily ever after.

Then again, fate being the capricious bitch she is, we’ll probably become embroiled in another revolution against England, Ian will be absconded by Indians, and Claire will be accosted by bandits or something. Hell, one of these days, who knows, maybe I’ll actually meet my daughter and her ne’er do well bookish husband that I will probably beat up and sell to Indians at the first meeting.

Anyway, hope you are well. I know this is all too hard to take, but I’m your brother so you have to love me, ken? It’s okay, though. Nothing bad will ever happen to you because you’re not a main character. Give my love to Ian and your seventeen bairns and their families.

Love to all,

P.S. Sassenach says hello. She asks you do her the favor of not inviting Leghair back to any family gatherings because that would be awkward. KTHX Bye

3. On the Artemis, the crew members are going by our lovebirds and touching a post with a lucky horseshoe on it. Claire asks, “What’s all that for?” and Jamie explains that there is a trifecta of evil spirits on the boat. First, she’s a woman, so there’s bad luck there, and he’s a redhead, so there’s that. Then, of course, he’s got that whole left handed thing going on, so that adds up to the fact that they’re about to experience a ton of bad Juju on this voyage. She’s all, “No, that’s not it, we’re just at the mercy of a capricious goddess who likes to cause us all kinds of misfortune, that’s all. It’s inevitable.”

“Be that as it may, Sassenach, just touch the fucking thing already, will you?” he says. He touches it, and while every crew member looks on at here, she touches it also. So everyone is satisfied and this is going to be a lovely trip, right?

Cue the Gilligan’s Island theme now.

4. Next, we get to meet Fergus and his wonderful bride, none other than Marsali Mackenzie Fraser. Daughter of Leoghaire. Which is a surprise to Jamie because he didn’t know the two were courting. Now it seems that the two are married. Technically, of course, since it wasn’t in front of a priest, in a church, with candles about, and a wonderful wedding dress and all that, but married all the same. Fergus explains they’ve been handfasted, which is pretty much the same thing, so Jamie calls the young boy aside and says, “Did ye do the deed?” and Fergus answers, “No, we just kind of did the whole thing before we came on board, so we haven’t done all the necessaries, no.” So then he tells the Captain that they need to run the ship around.

The captain says that they are too far away, and they’ll be stopping again for a few last supplies at St. Ives. There Jamie can put her in the hands of some good people to send her home. But she is adamant. She isn’t going. “Did you tell your mother?” Jamie asks. She says, “Yeah, I texted her. Whatevs.”

text marsali

Jamie tells her that she has to go, there is no way around that. Marsali says, “You’re bringing the hoor, so I’m coming. Or did you forget that you left my mother for this woman, and brought shame on our family? No? I didn’t think so. So fuck yeah, I’m coming, Ginger. And no mistake.” Marsali is totally giving Jamie what for here. And he deserves it. Love this kid’s spunk. So Jamie says that she has to return home. To which Marsali says, “I’ll tell everyone that Fergus and I already did the Horizontal mambo, so if you send me back I’ll be ruined, and nobody wants that, ken?” So Jamie says, Fine. You can come with us, sinve you have m over a barrel, but you two can’t stay together in the same room. You’ll room with Claire, and I’ll room with Fergus.

what meme.jpg

Claire is none too happy with this, and tells Jamie, “We’ve got to get you to bed. You’re going to be sick.” and he’s all, “No I’m not,” because, as usual, he misses all the signs that Claire is wanting to get him on his own with her so he can get a right good talking to.

He goes with her and she’s all, “Wait a minute Ginger, we haven’t been together for twenty years, and now you want to do it another three months? Yeah, this girl ain’t down with that.” But he’s all, “I have to do it for the girl’s sake. I’m not happy about this either but they’ve put us in a sticky situation.” Claire says, “If you really wanted sticky situations, you would have had us room together. But that’s all over now, isn’t it?”



TFW you realize you probably won’t be getting any sex for the next few months…


5. In the cabin, Claire is trying to help Jamie’s seasickness with a cup of ginger tea and he tries it, but it’s not to his liking. Jamie says he couldn’t believe Fergus and Marsali have been courting since August, and Claire agrees they haven’t thought this whole ‘marriage for a lifetime thing’ through. But then, neither did Jamie and Claire when they were first married. “Ours was arranged,” Jamie says.

Then she notices a trunk in the corner of the room and asks about it. “That’s our things from Lallybroch,” he says. And she’s all, “Our things? I didn’t have any things at Lallybroch, I thought.” Then she gets up and looks through the trunk. And as he’s getting out of bed, I notice those super fly boots he’s wearing and suddenly want a pair. I mean, those are totally awesome boots he’s got on there, yeah?

She sees that they have all the outfits she wore in Paris and then puts two and two together. “Wait,” she says. “The cloak Marsali was wearing, that was mine, wasn’t it?” and Jamie’s all, “Guilty as charged, Sassenach.” Then he goes on to tell her he couldn’t part with them because they reminded him of her while she was gone. Aww…

Just then, New Rupert comes to the door and tells Claire she’s needed. A doctor’s work is never done apparently.

6. In the hold, there’s a guy who has suffered an accident. Claire is doing her best to help the poor guy, and after a quick diagnosis tells him he doesn’t have a concussion. The crew standing around are like, “What’s that?” and she explains “It’s a head hurty thing, don’t worry, you won’t die.”

The captain comes in and asks what happened. The crewman says that he was doing some routine stuff and something fell on his head. Well, the next thing you know, everyone is pointing fingers as to who didn’t touch the horseshoe and Claire’s all, “Dude, you all realize that’s all just a bunch of hokum, right? I mean, what about science and the randomness of life?”

And all the guys are like, “Nope. We don’t believe in all that. It must be bad luck. That’s the only explanation.” That’s when Claire realizes she’s in the eighteenth century again and sighs. The captain invites her and Jamie to dine with him later on that night so he can go over a few things. But she says, “I don’t know how he’s going to get there with his crippling seasickness and all,” and the Captain says, “You’ll do.”

7. Later, Jamie is admonishing Fergus about the marriage. “You don’t know her,” Jamie says. “Fergus says that neither were he and Claire, but that’s worked out fine. That was different, Jamie explains. They were forced to marry. Then Fergus gets all poetic. “If you were forced to marry, then I am forced to breathe. My heart is forced to beat,” he says. What a cute kid. Jamie then asks if Marsali knows about his past. Fergus says, “Well, she knows about the growing up in a brothel bit, and that I was a pickpocket.”

what about

Then Fergus says that he hasn’t been with any other women since he met her, and he saved himself for her, doesn’t that mean anything?

And Jamie says, “not if you can’t be honest with her.” and I’m thinking, wait a minute. The one thing you should have been honest about, you didn’t say a damn thing, Mr. Pot. Why do you think you have to go on this stupid voyage to begin with, Mr.? huh? Yeah, I thought so.

8. That night, Claire is having dinner with the captain and discuss the nature of superstitions. Basically, it boils down to her not believing in them and the captain saying that it doesn’t matter if she does or not. The men do, and since I’m responsible for them, I have to as well. It’s the way things are run around here, and since I’m the boss, my way goes. The sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be. It’s another case of where Claire forgets she’s in the eighteenth century and not at home where everyone knows science and they just put a man on the moon.

9. At the same time, Mr. Willoughby is trying to get Jamie to submit to Acupuncture to cure his seasickness, which has progressed in the time since he first came on board the ship. I mean he is ralphing up some heavy duty bile there. And the noises he’s making makes me want to as well. Yuk. Willoughby is telling him that if he doesn’t do something about it, Jamie’s balls will clench together and fall off. Well, this seals the deal because Jamie wants all his man parts intact for obvious reasons.

10. In the girl’s room, Claire and Marsali are getting ready for bed when the girl says, “You can have the bigger bunk.” Claire is all, “That’s sweet of you, but no amount of placating me will make me tell Jamie to let you and Fergus room together. It’s none of my business.”

“Oh, you want to stay out of our business after dropping out of the sky and ruining my family? Daddy may think you’re gold on a stick, but I still think you’re a hoor.”

hoor meme2

11. Jamie is seemingly better, all hale and hearty, drinking a mug of Ginger tea and not showing any signs of seasickness at all when he meets Claire in the morning. She’s all, “So it worked, huh?” and he says, “Must be. Has nothing at all to do with tiny needles all up in my face or nothing. Just this gross awful tea you fixed me. Miracle cure, that.”

Marsali and Fergus come up to him and she gets in Jamie’s face, like she does. “Fergus told me all about his other women and I don’t care because lurve.” Claire calls Jamie over and says, “Listen, maybe you should allow this because you know, US? I mean, come on, Ginger. It’s been how long since we’ve knocked boots? Really, you aren’t feeling it too? Besides, if you keep them apart, it might just fizzle out.”

“I dinna ken what ‘fizzle out’ means, but I get your meaning. That’s what I’m afraid of if they’re together.” Jamie answers. Then he goes to the both of them and says, “Yeah, I can’t allow it to happen.” And Marsali’s look is priceless here.

hoor meme3

12. Claire comes out to the deck to see what Mr. Willoughby is writing on the deck. He explains that he’s writing poetry, and then shows her a scroll. It’s a story of his life in China. And when he tells it, he has to let it go. This is a bit of foreshadowing wherein he will be a momentary hero. I love that he isn’t a caricature like he was in the book. The writers have given him a certain nobility that wasn’t portrayed in Voyager the same way and it’s a refreshing change to the character.

13. So then it’s a montage where Claire is doing her doctor thing by stitching up the sailors and making medicine. The guys are going about their duties, steering the boat, drinking rum, and singing sea shanties.


14. Claire is walking through the ship to tell Jamie about the shanties when she barges in to find him getting acupuncture from Willoughby. The Chinaman is trying to apologize and hastily removes himself from the room so as to avoid an argument he sees brewing. But Claire is more amused by the whole thing than anything. She asks why he didn’t tell her about it and he’s all, “I didn’t want you to think you didn’t belong here, so I’ve been having you make the tea for me to keep you happy.”

She’s all, “that’s so cute, but no, if this is working for you, keep it up. I still love you Jamie, and I’m not going anywhere without you. So don’t worry about it.” that’s when he notices that the ship isn’t moving and they go up to the deck to see what’s the mater.

15. On deck, folks are milling around when they notice that the ship is caught in what is known as The Doldrums. This is a place in the ocean where there is little to no wind. And since the ship relies on the wind, then it’s pretty much a given that they’ll be there for a while. The sailors are all, “Dude, somebody didn’t touch the horseshoe.” Claire says, “Well why don’t we all line up and all of us touch it again.” Little Angus says, “yeah, that’s a good idea!” because obviously, he has doubts about whether he did or not and that’s why everyone is thinking it’s bad luck. Besides, one sailor explains, it has to be done prior to the start of the voyage or it doesn’t count.”

Silly superstitions. I wonder if seamen have the same ones today.

16. Up on deck later, Jamie is looking up at the moon and Claire comes up to him. They talk about the moon, and she tells him that it is a rocky place, barren and devoid of life. Pretty much like her marriage to Frank. She tells him that there were men going to the moon when she left to come back. Then she recounts the story of Goodnight Moon, a child’s book that she used to read Bree. She wonders if she’ll ever see her again, and Jamie says, “Yeah, but not til next season, aye?”

And Claire says, “Dude, spoilers!”

But its such a simple scene of their love together. I have a hard time seeing that some fans say the story is rushed. This is really a nice interlude, and I look forward to more of them happening in coming episodes.

17. Well, the doldrums last a bit longer than anyone expected, and tensions are running high. Especially when the water starts getting rancid. Talk once again turns to the fact that someone didn’t touch the fucking horseshoe, and at this point, I’m sick of this whole subplot. Apparently, the bilge water messed up the ale, so they are running low on supplies to drink. And when they guys can’t get ale, there’s going to be hell to pay.

18. In the captain’s cabin over dinner, the captain is saying the same thing. That if someone didn’t touch it, and the crew finds out, then, well, he can’t stop the men from throwing someone over. Because that’s how superstitions work. Mass hysteria leads to murder in the eighteenth century apparently. Jamie says, “You’ll not be throwing any of my men overboard, captain.” and when Jamie says it with that grave voice he has, you tend to believe it.

19. In the hold, a few guys are talking about who did and didn’t touch the horseshoe. Little Angus tells New Rupert that he doesn’t think he touched it, and if the guys find out, they’re going to throw him overboard. New Rupert tells him that won’t happen, that they will have to get through him to do it. The guys leave the hold, but not before saying to Little Angus (who I have since found out is named Jonah but I like Little Angus better so that’s what I’ll use.) “You’re not long for this world, Jonah.”
20. So the next day, Little Angus is up in the rigging. He has been threatened enough and will go ahead and kill himself by jumping overboard. Well, Jamie is having none of it and decides to do the hero thing by climbing up the rigging to get him. The sailors are all yelling to let him go. Claire’s yelling at Jamie to come down and stop playing the hero. Everybody is yelling, screaming, and all attention is being paid to the guys on the rigging about to fall off.

Everybody except Willoughby, that is. He spies a pelican flying above the water and gets an idea. And I’m wondering if this is the point where he lassos him around the neck to get him to catch fish. But then he gets an idea.

He tells his story. “I am Ye Tien Cho! I was a homeless beggar on the streets in Beijing when I came to fall in love with the emperor’s wife. I wanted to have sex with women, and I’m a great lover, and women are beautiful and I’m going to spend half of this monologue explaining how much I love them and how they are compared to ripe fruits. Like peaches, and strawberries, and plums and grapes and other things that have a roughly round fruit shape.

‘But the women here are ghastly because they cover up too much and they don’t let me touch their feet, which are like little cherries, by the way. Oh, and they’re a bunch of hoors, also, and I know I’m one lone Chinese guy on a boat full of sailors who probably want to kick my but, but I’ve got your attention with the whole women are like fresh peaches line. So that’s my story, and look, I’m going to throw my papers away now and watch how they flutter in the air with the wind behind them. Yeah, I did that, I brought back the wind!”

And he totally did because the sails flutter and everybody starts clapping him on the back like he did a great thing. Then one of the guys comes up, tears in his eyes, and says, “You tell a mean story, Chinaman. You need to write a book about two great lovers and how they have sex all the time.” and Willoughby says, “No, I can’t top the one we’re living in, yo.”

And speaking of great lovers who have sex all the time,

21. Jamie and Claire go off to do the deed while the guys are collecting rainwater. And I’m like, okay, episode 9, there’s another sex scene, however quick, it’s there. They’ve quadrupled season 2. Good on you, Ron and Co, good on ya. And this one is quick and hot and sweaty and awesome.

And they share another nice interlude while he strokes her hair.


22. So then a few days pass and it appears there’s a guest at the party. An English man of war is coming up on the Artemis and shoots a warning shot. Well, the captain says, let’s see what they need. Jamie is worried that they’ll be press ganged, and tells Claire, “We’ve been separated before, I’ll find you, dinna fash if that happens.”

The ships line up and the Captain of the English ship comes over to the Artemis.


I know, it’s lame. Come one, though its Star Wars. Everybody like Star Wars, right? Or am I the only one?

Anyway, the guy says there’s a plague on his ship and he needs a doctor. Well, naturally, everyone looks at Claire as a dead giveaway. Later, in the captain’s quarters, Claire asks the kid what the symptoms of this plague are. After hearing a litany of horrible things such as boils and coughing and fever, she surmises that they have smallpox. He asks if she can come back to the boat and tell them what to do about the plague and she says yes.

Well, Jamie isn’t going to have it. So he tells her she can’t go, and she explains a few things. “One, I’ve had a vaccination so I can’t get the plague, two, I have this thing called the Hippocratic Oath that I have to basically follow, and really? Do you think Diana would kill me off with the plague halfway through our third book? Get real, Ginger. I’m going.”

So he relents, and she goes over to the plague ship.

23. It’s worse than she thought. The men are infectious and smelly and most of them are sick. I mean, smelly sick, because she can’t breathe. It’s so bad she has to hold a hankie to hre face because she thinks she’s going to faint. But she sees that it is in fact smallpox. In the captain’s quarters she tells them what needs to be done. First, you must boil all the water on the ship, get the guys topside so they can get some fresh air and sunlight, bathe them, and get some alcohol and rub down every surface of the ship to ward against the infection and germs.

They’re all looking at her like, “What is this nonsense? Clean? Germs? Using alcohol for something other than drinking? Why of all the things!”

She says, “Well, if you want to stop the infection, you’ll do as I say. Now I have to be heading back to the other ship to get going back to my happy life of Jamie Tight Ass Fraser and the Artemis Gang.”

Not so fast, Lady Jane. Because no sooner than she has started back topside, the ship lurches forward and she is now trapped on the Porpoise. “What in the fresh hell is going on?” she asks the captain. And schoolboy is all

yeah office

And roll credits.


So all in all a good episode. I can’t wait to see what happens next week. I’m sure Jamie is going to go all cray and try to get over to the Porpoise, so we’ll have to see. Mind you, I’ve not seen any other episodes to this point because I want to do them one at a time and don’t want to spoil my viewing or anything from the recaps from week to week. I know, crazy, right?

Now here it is, your Jamie Mooney eye pic of the week.




308 First Wife


So what was a less than stellar episode in 307 was more than made up for in this one. This is another benchmark episode everyone was waiting for. Once again, the production team nailed it. I was very happy to see the essence of the story brought to life by the actors and writing team. This one hit all the high notes from the chapters from Voyager, and I think it made a lot of the fans very happy. There was certainly less grousing about changes in this one as opposed to the outcry many made about the last episode.

So let’s get down to it and see how things played out, shall we?

1. The intro gets us into the action really quickly. There are no extraneous bits in the rapidity of Claire’s meeting with the Murray clan. She sees Lallybroch and something doesn’t sit right with her.

Bringing the prodigal son back does little to soften the blow of Claire’s arrival after twenty years. Jenny just stares at her for a while before saying, “You’re back then. When Ian told me you were alive, you could have knocked me down with a feather.” Claire’s all, “Yeah, so what now?”

Obviously, they are all keeping a secret here, and Claire can sense it. I think they’re waiting for Jamie to tell her about that secret because nobody is giving anything away here. Jenny goes to young Ian and gives him a hug before slapping the nonsense out of him. “You gave us a fright. We were worried about you.”
“I sent word, and you kent where I was,” Ian starts, but his father butts in and says, “Shut up if you know what’s good for you. You don’t want to make it any worse than it already is by talking.”

I get it, Ian. I’ve been in that position before with parents. Many of us have. The best course of action is to admit you were wrong and take your beating. Don’t worry, they love you. It’s just you’re a clot hied sometimes, and you need to be disciplined from time to time.

As they go in the house, Jamie’s doing that nervous finger thing. And I would be nervous too, considering what awaits him when Jenny Murray gets tuned up.

2. Inside, the long-awaited argument between Jamie and Jenny ensues. I love the chemistry between these two. And since he’s a guy, he’s totally in the wrong here. Firstly, he didn’t tell Ian that young Ian was with him. He didn’t send word that the kid was alright.

The word for the day is “Wee”, as in little, small, insignificant. Also, let’s see how many times during this episode we can say “Wee”, shall we?

So immediately, Ian tries to defend himself. But he goes one bit overboard when he mentions a fire at the print shop.

“Wee fire?” Ian says, “You wouldn’t be standing here if it was wee.” Jenny jumps in, “So that’s why you’re back, tail draggin’, because you’ve got nothing left.” She looks at Claire like a woman who’s smelled something bloody disgusting, then says, “And wi’ a stray.”




“There was an exciseman trying to extort money out of me. Everything would have been alright, but the heat was on.” Jamie tries to explain. Then young Ian says, “Then Claire came back and first thing right away killed a guy. It was awesome!”


“Out. Now,” says Jenny. Then when the kid has left, she looks at Claire and asks, “So you killed a man in front of my boy?” And Claire’s all, “Well, not in front of him, but yeah, I did. Claire Fraser is back, I guess. Oh, but it was self-defense. I did try to save the guy, kind of. I mean, there were drills and scalpels and stuff. Damn eighteenth-century medicine!”

“Oh, while we’re listening to tall tales maybe we should gather around the fire,” Jenny retorts. “I know you, the Claire Fraser I knew wouldn’t try to save a guy.”

All the while during this episode, I’m wondering why all the hostility toward Claire. Ian is cool with her, but Jenny is just being a tool about it. She should be overjoyed about her return, but then, I remember, oh yeah. There’s a reason this is called First Wife. Because the second wife is right around the corner.

“Ian was doing alright until everything went tits up,” Jamie says. “He was earning a wage and learning a trade.”
“It would have been fine if you taught him the printing trade. Consorting with criminals, hoors, and going to taverns is earning a wage?” Jenny says. And I’m thinking, “That’s kind of how I spent the better part of my teens, yeah?”

“I promise you, I treated him like my own son,” Jamie says with pride. Ian says, “Then you can discipline him like your own son.” He strips off his belt and hands it to Jamie. But Jamie has a better idea.

And the next scene has young Ian making something out of manure.

SIDE NOTE: My book purist is coming out here. I really wanted to see Jamie go out and thrash young Ian. And have him do the same to Jamie. This was such a wonderful scene from the book. And I can understand why they took it out, but come on, man. It would have been hysterical.

3. While Ian is making Dung Cakes and being mocked by his sister, Ian and Jamie have a heart to heart. Jamie apologizes to him, and Ian’s all, “Yeah, that’s cool.” and it’s back to besties for these two. Because that’s how guys do it. They don’t hold a grudge over stuff like this. Now if there was a woman involved, holy hell, watch out.

4. Inside, Jenny is trying to herd the grandchildren while Claire looks on. The ladies are catching up on who had the most grandchildren when Wee Jamie Murray comes down holding another Wee baby. (BTW, yes, I’m going to hammer that all through this recap so stop now if you don’t like reading the word Wee.)

I notice here that Jenny is trying to avoid eye contact with Claire. And Laura Donnelly is doing a bang up job with this role here. She’s just fun to watch. Whenever I read the books, I can only see her in that part now. She is an awesome actress!

Jamie Murray hands off the child to Jenny and says, “Gotta go say hello to uncle.” Jenny says, “I have to change this baby’s diaper.”


Oohh, have you got some ointment for that burn, Claire? Jenny is hardcore throwing shade at Claire all through this episode and I love her for it.

5. Later, while Jenny is doing laundry outside, Jamie comes to chat with her. He tells her young Ian has done his penance, and Jenny’s all, “So you know how to raise bairns, now?”

“Fair point,” Jamie says. “But I know what it’s like for a teenager growing up on a farm. He’s a man, now. You should treat him like one. He should be given his freedom, while he still thinks it’s yours to give.”

“Listen to you, giving advice to me,” she says. “You must know it’s a mortal sin to keep a wife while the other one still walks the earth.”

“If I had known she would come back, I wouldn’t have married again,” Jamie says. Jenny is a bit peeved that he didn’t share his grief with her, but he tells her that he didn’t want to speak of it with her. Jenny presses him on what happened.
“Well, it has nothing to do with time travel, that’s for sure,” Jamie says. “Actually, I sent her away, because I thought I would die at Culloden. Which I didn’t, by the way. I sent her away to safety and the British came to the village she was in and slaughtered everyone. I thought she was dead. Little did I know she actually got to the colonies. She thought I was dead, so there’s that. Again, nothing to do with time travel.”

“Listen, boyo,” she says. “I sat with her for days watching for your return after that time you spent with the Watch. We went out to try to find you. The Claire I know would never have stopped looking for you.”

And she’s right. I mean, come on, Jamie. You knew the truth of it. You sent her away to the twentieth century, knowing she had a way back to you. She was still alive as far as you knew. It was only a matter of time since your love was so strong. All you had to do was wait. Or leave notes, or drop a few hints along the way that you were alive. Duh! Foolish highlander. Now, you’ve got yourself ina wee pickle, don’t you, Ginger?

6. That night, Jamie and Claire are talking about what to do next.

“We could tell Jenny the truth,” Claire says, “You know, about me being a Timelord.” And Jamie says, “No, she’d never buy it. You may as well make her believe in mermaids.”

“But we told Murtagh,” she says. “He believed it.” and Jamie says, “Yeah, but that was Murtagh. He was a superhero. Jenny, not so much.”

“Only the superhero of throwing shade,” Claire says. “If she loves you, she loves you. If she doesn’t, you may as well be her worst enemy. If I don’t tell her the truth, there’s always going to be this wall between us. I mean, I’m not even in the friend zone with her.”

Jamie says, “I still can’t believe you’re really here. I went looking for you once when I escaped Ardsmuir.”

Then he tells her of the meeting with Duncan Kerr. And how the old man told him of the Frenchman’s gold and the white witch. Then we are shown a flashback of Jamie swimming to Selkie island, thinking he would find Claire, but finding the gold instead. So he took one of the gems for the watch commander and left the rest because he couldn’t go anywhere with it anyway.

Then we get a lovey-dovey scene where Claire tells him that every time she heard birds singing, she thought it was him talking to her. And we’re all, Aww… but there’s tension brewing here.

Now, Jamie decides to tell her about the other woman. He says, “I wanted to talk to Ned Gowan before I told you but I fell like I must tell you now.“ She says, “Ned is still alive? Awesome. But why do you need Ned the head?“

He wants her to listen because he can finally tell her the truth. But the truth barges in the door and doesn’t let him finish.

“Daddy?” says a young red-haired lass. And the blond woman behind her says, “Daddy, who is this woman?”

Well, you may have just smacked Claire upside the head with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire because this is the last thing she would have imagined.

7. Nope, scratch that.



This is the last thing she would have imagined.

Claire is speechless. Like literally, cannot say a word she is so surprised. She can’t even form a coherent thought because the horror of this whole incident has completely shut her down mentally.

“How could you, Jamie Fraser?!” She screams. “Go behind my back and slip your prick in that hoor?”

Then she turns on Claire, saying “We‘re married now, you adulterous bitch! He’s mine! Stay away from him and get ye gone to the hell you came from, witch!” And then she uses the C-Word, which is totally uncalled for, and I wondered if that word was in common use back then? Someone correct me on that if you would.

Leghair is screaming, Jamie is screaming, and then the girl says, “I hate it when mommy and daddy fight.”

Jamie tries to hold her back from Killing Claire. “Go, I’ll explain!” he says to Claire, and he pushes Leghair out of the room.

Claire is left like

the look.jpg

8. Downstairs, Jamie consoles young Joan that he will always love her. This is an adult thing right now, and it’s all pretty complicated even for the adults. It’s true. Who has ever been put in that position? Except for characters in a DG novel, that is? So he tells her to go back with Marsali and her mother. He’ll straighten everything out, and the girl gives him a big hug and he’s left with this guilt-ridden look on his face.

9. He goes upstairs to find Claire packing her bags. She’s going to leave. She’s had it with #TeamJamie. And for good reason.

“I can explain,” he tells her. She’s all, “Dude, you lied to me, the time for explanations is over. I’m out.” and we don’t blame her. She didn’t come back for this. Mary MacNabb, she would have understood, maybe, but not this.

“The marriage to Leghair was a mistake,” he starts. But she’s having none of it. “Oh, fine time to realize that, when you already had two kids with her.”

chilren meme.jpg

“We haven’t even lived together,” Jamie says. He goes on to explain that Leghair was a widow, and he was trying to protect her bairns. Besides, he goes on, “You told me to be nice to her.”

“I told you to thank her,” Claire says, with a look of incredulity, “Not marry her. God, are you stupid? Did you forget she tried to have me killed that one time?”

Then she goes to the door and he stops her. “I’m not letting you go. Not until you let me explain.” She’s all, “You told me about your son, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

And he opens up because he’s got nothing to lose, really. “Because I’m a coward,” he says. “I didn’t want to lose you again, after having you gone for the first time. Do you know what it’s like, living half a man and trying to exist in the bit that’s left?”

“Yes, I fucking know,” Claire yells. “What did you think Frank and I went back to being peaches and cream? And what is it with both of my husbands falling for blonde harlots? I’m Wonder Woman here, and you guys are going for Batgirl?”

“I was prepared to die with you at Culloden. Do you forget that? But no, you sent me away. And I come back to this?” She says. “Do you blame me for sending you away? All the times I thought of you, bedding with Frank, letting him hold OUR child, and hating you for it!”

Well, there’s more yelling and shouting, and then he grabs her and plants a wet one on her. He tells her he loves her, throws her on the bed and kisses her again. Then she gets into it, because this is a sexually charged scene, and soon they’re on the floor calling each other names and tearing each other’s clothes off until halfway through, Jenny throws a pitcher of water at them.

“Y’all need to stop rutting like pigs, the whole house can hear you. Have ye’ no shame?” she says.

10. Claire is staring into the fireplace, wishing this was all a tall tale. Wee Janet comes to her and offers Claire a wisky, which Claire gladly takes because what better way to soothe the nerves than alcohol. Especially at this time, after learning her husband had married a woman who had her put on trial for being a witch.

“I apologize for creating such a stir in the house,” she tells Janet. And Janet’s all, “No prob. I should say sorry to you. I told Leghair you were here.” I didn’t know it would cause such a kebblewebble, or something. (For the life of me, I would love that word if I could understand it. Please, someone, tell me because, in 5 viewings, I still couldn’t understand what she said.)

“Why did you do it?” She asks Janet. And the girl says that her mother told her to. Oh, really? And just like that, I’m no longer friendly to Jenny Murray.
Jenny comes in carrying a pail because naturally, it’s the sister’s place to clean up the fight your brother and sister-in-law had.

“So what gives?” Claire confronts her. “Why did you tell Leghair about this whole thing?” And Jenny’s on her like a shot.

“I couldn’t stand having my sister in law get blindsided with the reappearance of my other sister in law, you dig?” Jenny answers. Claire tells her she just wants to be part of the family again, but Jenny throws it back in her face.

“Family writes letters. They don’t just disappear or get stuck in time.” She says.

time trav.jpg

Well, Claire comes up with a story on the spot that seems to soothe Jenny a bit. Claire tells her of a husband in Boston, and how he didn’t have any kids. He lived for twenty years, and he was kind of a dipshit, but it was a survival thing. When he died, she came back to tell Jamie’s grave what had happened, and lo and behold, I found him alive. Isn’t that serendipitous?

Jenny’s like, “Pull the other one, it’s got bells on. Until you can tell the whole truth, we can’t be friends.” Then she turns on her heels and goes upstairs.

11. In the den of iniquity formerly populated by a screaming married couple, another married couple has a more subdued conversation. Jenny and Ian talk about the situation while Jenny picks up the pieces of the previous occupants’ knock down drag out.

Ian tells her that Jamie is in the stables and Claire is in the guest room. “If mother were here, this would kill her all over again,” Jenny says. But Ian says how this is her fault.

“How is it my fault? He’s the one married to two women,” she says. “Am I the only one angry about this?” Ian says, “You’re always stirring the shit pot. Sometimes it’s okay to let things go. Why can’t you let Jamie be happy? You pray for it every night.”

“Does this look like happiness?” She asks.

characters meme.jpg

12. The next day, Claire is all dressed to leave. She’s got the bat suit on, and her bag of necessaries over her arm. Jamie tries to stop her. But she’s not having any of it. She wants him to let her go.

“You said we could have secrets, but not lies. Those are your words, Jamie.” and this was a whopper. Jamie, did you honestly think that she would stay after she found out you were married to her mortal enemy?

“There was always one love, Claire. And that was you,” he says.

Well, that’s all Leghair had to hear, because she comes around the corner of the house with a gun. A hand cannon, actually. She’s all, “I’ve heard enough. I’m going to end this woman.”

Jamie steps in front of Claire, trying to get Leghair to put down the gun. “We weren’t happy, Leery,” he explains. “Maybe it wasn’t happiness, but you were mine. You provided for me!”

But before she can go on, the gun goes off and Jamie is in the way of the bullets. Leghair tries to go to him but Lady Jane just pushes her away and gives her this look


13. In the dining hall of Lallybroch, Claire leads Jamie to the table and tells the others what happened. She is the practiced surgeon now, and everyone goes to grab water, towels, bandages, and Claire’s med kit form her bag out front.

Then she goes all Claire Fraser, MD on him. Tis but a scratch, he says, but one pellet has gone deeper than that. It rests close to an artery, and if she hits it he’ll bleed out and there’s nothing she can do about it.

During the surgery, young Ian remarks on her scalpels. “That’s a fancy set of knives you’ve got there, Auntie,” he says. “Yes,” she says, “I got them from a guy named Bill Moran, in Boston, he’s a master cutler.”

Soon, she’s done with the delicate operation and Ian hands her a wiskey. “He can’t have any,” she says. But Ian is all, “It’s for you, auntie.” and she gladly takes it, because her default state is inebriated.

Later, a half-naked Jamie Fraser wakes up and says, “You should have let me die. It would have been easier.” and she grabs a chair and says, “Okay, spill it. What gives?”

And he’s all, “Are you still angry?” and she says she never stopped being angry. Of course not, Claire. This is a lot to take in here. Get an explanation, and then decide what you’re going to do.

So he goes into another flashback to his days after Helwater where he met Leghair at a Hogmanay dance. He felt sorry for her, being twice widowed and with two daughters. So he married her and tried to make a marriage work. When it was revealed to him that Leghair wouldn’t really let him touch her, and she was afraid most of the time, he couldn’t take it and left. He fled to Edinburgh where he worked as a printer and sent money back. That’s all.

This seems to make Claire a bit happier, but then she reaches out to him she realizes he’s got a fever. “Why didn’t you tell me you were hot, you bloody Scot?” she says, as she goes to get more medicine.

“I thought it was the heat of shame, Sassenach,” he explains. Then she comes back with her penicillin syringes and he’s all, “Dude, what’s that?” and she says, “Remember Germs? This takes them away, now roll over on your side.”

Why do you need to stick it in my bum if my arm hurts?” he asks.


14. Later, Jenny and Claire have a heart to heart. It’s mostly girl talk, and Jenny can’t understand why Claire doesn’t tell her the truth about why Claire came back.
It’s always going to be a sticking point in their friendship. Jenny brings up the lame horse analogy, and Claire’s all, “Yeah, that’s pretty dark, care to choose something where a living creature doesn’t die?“

Jenny only wanted to see Jamie happy. Claire is all, “I only know I love your brother very much. I loved you too. I just want to be friends again.”

Jenny nods a bit, so there’s that. Whether they’re going to be friends in future relies heavily on if something bad doesn’t happen to the family ever again.

SIDE NOTE: I feel like in the truncation of these episodes, the writing staff is really missing out on the chance to give Young Ian a few of his more signature ‘Punchlines’ as I call them. The way he introduced Ned Gowan was hysterical. He comes running to the priest’s hole and says, “He’s here, and it’s bad, ma’,” or something like that. Then, Jenny says, “Did he bring a gun?” Ian replies, “No, it’s worse than that. He’s brought a lawyer!” Naturally, I’m paraphrasing here, but throughout the books, he’s got a bunch of those types of lines. And each one comes at a heightened emotional scene. I soo wanted that to be in the show.

15. Ned Gowan! Claire sees him coming down the hallway to meet Jamie and she is overjoyed. He doesn’t look like he’s aged a day. When Claire asks him what his secret is, he tells her, “I never married.”

Ned tells Jamie and Claire that the second marriage to Leghair is invalid. Which is a relief. Since she had a gun and it’s outlawed she could get indicted for attempted murder and owning a pistol in the first place. Jamie asks, “What could happen to her if that happened?” And Ned answers, “She could be sent to the colonies. Virginia, most like.”



But Jamie says, “Let’s just let her have her freedom, what does she want?” Ned says, “Well, she wanted you castrated and your bollocks hung over her mantle, but there’s a number I’m going to write down. You’re going to look at it, scoff, and then I’m going to say yes, that’s what she wants. Then your life with your first wife can go on back to normal, albeit slightly less wealthy than before.”

16. “Twenty pounds?” Jenny scoffs. “How are you going to find that kind of money?”

Jamie explains, “She wants ten pounds a year to keep up the house too. But I have an ace in the hole, or rather, a money chest in a hole. All I have to do is swim out there and get it.” Claire says he’s in no condition to swim, so that’s where Young Ian comes in.

“I am a bonny swimmer,” he says. I can do it. “Yes, let him do it,” Jamie says, “What can possibly happen? Hell, I did it like ten years ago, and I didn’t have a problem with it. And I was undernourished and starving then.”

“What are you going to do with all that money?” Jenny asks. “It’s not like we can sell gold doubloons on the open market in Edinburgh, ye ken?”

Jamie explains that he’ll go to Paris and meet with Jared. He’ll take the jewels, trade them for sterling, and then send them back to Lallybroch. Then, we’ll pay off the Leghair debt, start a home here on the outskirts of Broch Turach and live happily ever after.

“Oh, and I want to take young Ian,” he says. “And don’t worry, he won’t have anything bad happen. He won’t be consorting with hoors and criminals. I’ll bring him around to only polite society. You’ll see.”

Jenny relents, “Best to give him his freedom, while it still seems like it’s mine to give.”

17. Jamie and Claire are on the cliffs looking out over Selkie Island, watching young Ian swim to the shore. When they see he is there, they have a talk. Claire opens up that maybe they have too much baggage between them to make it work. she says, “I had a life in the twentieth century. I had a daughter who loved me, a medical career, hot and cold running water, and an absence of blonde harlots shaking up my love life.”

“But you didn’t have me, sassenach,: Jamie says. “Besides, we can make it work. everything is ironed out. All my baggage has been neatly tied up. We are married, I love you.”

But she is still unbowed. “Maybe we just don’t have anything in common anymore.” She says. Then he says this iconic line, “Will you risk the man I am, for the sake of the man you knew?”

She’s all,


Just then, she looks out and sees a ship on the horizon, heading toward the island. Young Ian can be seen through the telescope, the proud owner of the box of treasure. But it’s too late. Men in a rowboat come to get him. Jamie and Claire run off to the shore, just in time to see the kid get kidnapped. Their hopes and dreams for a better life are dashed on the rocks.

I love the last part where they just stand there, like


And then the credits roll.


Now here it is, your Jamie Mooney Eye Pic of the week.




307 Creme De Menthe

Hey folks! Welcome back to another recap. You know, sometimes, there’s an episode of a tv show that doesn’t hit on all cylinders for me. Just like the “Fly” episode of Breaking Bad, there’s always an episode that just doesn’t hit the mark. This one seemed like a filler episode for me. It’s not that I don’t like it, trust me. Like “The Watch” episode in season 1, there’s something about it I don’t really like.

Now, I’m not a book purist by any means. And I’m not saying they phoned it in here. I think they had a benchmark episode they had to put a lot of resources into last week, and it took away from the following. Episode 6 was the “Entrance of Negan and killing XXX” episode. Everything went downhill after that. I hope and pray it doesn’t happen with our favorite time-traveling romance drama.

Anyway, enough preamble. Let’s get to it. This episode gets a B+ from me. Maybe if I watch it again without interruptions, I’ll have another take on it.

1. So here’s our fair damsel in distress getting roughed up by Baldy Excise Man. He throws her on the bed and she grabs a knife. He chuckles, like, What is a woman going to do? Apparently, you haven’t met this particular woman yet. This is Claire Fraser, MD, and Brit Killer extraordinaire.
So she stabs him when he gets too close and he says, “Well, I was going to fuck you, now I’m just going to kill you.” and I’m thinking, “Good Luck! If Jack Randall couldn’t do it, what makes you think no-name NPC lackey can?” She’s on the bed and he goes to get her again, but he dodges out of the way of another stab, loses his footing, and goes down on the fireplace mantle with a scrunching thud.
And it’s lights out for Baldy. But then Jamie comes in, sees the scene and surmises that the situation has been wrapped up just right.


He’s all, “What happened?” and Claire explains the guy attacked her and he was looking for Jamie’s ledgers. But then he fell and knocked himself out. But then, baldy coughs and shows signs that he’s alive. Well, Doctor Claire Fraser goes into full action of saving a life.

Jamie says, “What are you doing?” and Claire’s all, “Duh, trying to save his life.” Jamie stands there for a second trying to process this information. “But he just attacked you, why?” and Claire says matter of factly, “I’m a doctor. It’s kind of my thing, now.”

Claire, I get it, I really do. But this is a different time, something that Jamie doesn’t have time to tell her when the door knocks and Jamie opens it to find Fergus and Jeanne.

Jeanne is shocked there’s a guy in the room and it’s not a customer. Claire says she was attacked and Baldy is still alive. Jamie says, “Let God take him,” and Claire is all, “I have to try to save his life. Please help me.”

Jamie’s anger is rising here, because he’s a man of the eighteenth century and no stranger to death. Claire is a woman of the twentieth century and hates anyone to die, even if it’s a guy who just tried to take her life. Damn that Hippocratic oath!

So she gives Jeanne a list of things to get, and says she has to go to an apothecary to get some meds.

Jamie roots through the guy’s pockets and finds identification showing he’s an excise man. He’s all, “Damn, Sir Percival must be wanting to find the casks and make true on his promise to get more money because I’ve been expanding my business to other towns.” Claire is seriously wondering what her husband has been up to all this time while she’s been away.

So jamie sends Fergus out to gather the lads. Jeanne tells Claire that she’ll send up a discreet woman to clean up the mess, and then they leave.

2. An Argument Is Brewing.

Jamie says, “This guy doesn’t deserve your mercy.” and Claire is all, “I have to try and save him. Once he’s stable you can turn him over to the authorities.” and Jamie scoffs.

“Listen, I don’t think you understand where you are, Sassenach. This is a different time. If the authorities come in and find you in a brothel, they’ll mistake you for a hoor (again). They’ll arrest you for assaulting a king’s officer. You’ll be hanged.”

“I’ll have to make it quick, then,” she says. Jamie’s losing his cool quickly here. He picks up a gun and says, “Stubborn as always. Do what you must, but I have casks to get rid of. I’ll send a guy up to take care of this dude while you’re away.” but then as he leaves, he gives her this look that tells her, “We’ll talk later.”

2. In the basement, Mr. Willoughby says that he admires a woman who respects the sanctity of life. So Jamie tells him that he can go up and keep the guy company while Claire goes to the apothecary.

There’s general talk about why Claire would be trying to save the guy’s life. One of the dudes says, “I’d love to murder him. Been wanting to take out an exciseman for a while.” which is shorthand for wanting to kill an agent of the British crown. Fergus says, “Claire has always been a unique woman.” True dat Frenchy.

Talk turns to the print shop. What if Percival tries to take a look there. “I don’t keep casks there,” says Jamie. “But you do keep other things there,” says Skinny Boy. “Yeah, but he doesn’t know that, and they’re well hidden. That is unless my boneheaded nephew does something stupid like going to the print shop wi’ a hoor.”

Speaking of boneheaded nephews, he turns to young Ian and says “Go sell the casks. Get whatever you can out of them.” Ian says he won’t disappoint his uncle, and Jamie’s all, “That’s why I trust you with this.”

3. At the apothecary, Claire meets a man whose sister is suffering from nervousness and a weak mind. But this is Claire Fraser, and if we know one thing about this woman, she doesn’t wait while NPC’s prattle on. “Dude, I’ll treat your sister for anything she wants. I’m trying to save a guy’s life here.

“For free? Because of my generosity?” he says. Claire is all, “Whatever, that’s fine.” Then she tells the apothecary what she needs.

“What’s all this for?” he asks. “Oh, just a head wound. Can you make it quick? I’m trying to do my doctor thing, here.” Two shillings later, Claire pulls out an enormously large coin purse. The old guy next to her looks like a starving man eyeing a Christmas turkey.

Turns out the old guy is Archibald Campbell. And his sister Margaret suffers from dementia or visions or something that makes her rave like a madwoman. He tells Claire where they live and she can drop by anytime.

4. Turns out young Ian has spent points on haggling and diplomacy. There’s a guy who looks strangely like the blacksmith from the Wedding episode.

same guy.jpg

They go back and forth on pricing. Ian wants seventy-five crowns for the liquor. The guy says “Fifty, and no more. I know the risk I’m taking on here. But Ian wants seventy-five. So he throws in three casks of Crème De Menthe. The dude relents and gives him the coin. Then he says, “I’ll send up a couple of guys stronger than you because you’re kind of a wiry pipsqueak.”

Then talk goes to Auntie Claire. Fergus explains that he remembered her from before.


“Yes, but if she killed en, they must have deserved it,” Ian says. “But now she’s gotten us into a bit of a pickle, no?” Ian’s nod says it all.

5. Back at the subplot that could have ended about twenty minutes ago, Claire comes in to find the guy has woken up and Jamie has had to tie him down and keep him gagged. She’s all, “Dude, what happened?” and Jamie explains that he woke up while she was gone. And I’m wondering, “Why didn’t you kill him while Claire was gone?”

“Dude, you have to keep him quiet!” she says. Jamie asks if she knows a better way, and Claire gives the guy some laudanum which calms him down right away.

Then the door knocks, and it’s the second to last person Jamie wants to see or hear from. Percival has come to visit and is asking for Jamie. So he leaves Claire and Mr. Willoughby to resolve the overlong ‘Save the Excise Man’ subplot.

6. Downstairs with all the hoors parading about half-naked, Percival and a Wiry Looking scoundrel wait for Jamie.

“So what are you here for, Percy?” Jamie asks. “A midday romp?”

Percival says, “No, you know why we’re here. You’re hiding something from me and not keeping up with our bargain.” But the Wiry Looking dude is all, “Maybe we could do the whole hoor thing after we get done, aye?”


Jamie says, “You’re free to look, but you won’t find anything.” and Percival says we’ll see.

7. Upstairs, Claire is trying to save the Subplot. She takes out a bunch of surgical equipment that apparently was lying around the brothel. Because I know she didn’t bring that with her in the Batsuit. Then she takes out a huge drill and we are subjected to Surgical Noises as she grinds it into the man’s skull.

Ye Ten Cho looks on in wonder as she tries to unstop the blood clot on the guy’s brain.

8. Downstairs, Percival and the Wiry guy are escorted into the basement where they find a patch of liquid on the floor. When it turns out to be water, Jeanne explains, “Yeah, we have leaky pipes. That’s why I can’t store anything down here. Duh!”

So, defeated, the guys start to leave. “I know you’re up to something, but I’m too stupid to figure it out. I’ll be watching, you Mr. Malcolm!”

9. Jamie comes into the room and sees Claire is sad. Mr. Willoughby says “Honorable wife tried her best, but she couldn’t save the man’s life.” Jamie is all, “Great, I’m not going to mourn for a guy who tried to kill my wife. Go get Leslie and Hayes to get rid of the body.”

So Cho leaves and Jamie and Claire have a heart to heart about medical care from different time periods. Claire is all, “If we were in Boston, with a real surgery room I could have saved him.” and Jamie’s all, “Uh, yeah, you’re in the eighteenth century, lass. Here, you’re lucky if you don’t die from getting a splinter infection. You do realize you’re not in 1968, right?”

Claire says she knows, but that doesn’t make it any harder. She’s spent the last fourteen years trying to respect human life and save lives, but it turns out that it’s harder here than she thought. Then she says, “I’ve caused you so much trouble.”


He tells her “The last twenty years I’ve been living in the shadows. But when you came back, it’s as if the sun returned and cast out the darkness.” and I’m all, “Dude, too much. Really? Way to make it harder for other guys, Fraser!”

Then she says she has another patient to see. Jamie asks who it is, and Claire says, “Margaret Campbell. She’s gone barmy, and needs me to check her out.”

Jamie, ever the protector, says she doesn’t know these people. He’ll send Fergus with her. She says, “Like you said, I’ve crossed thousands of miles and two hundred years to get to you. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine getting across town.”

“You’ll come back?” he asks. And he looks like maybe she won’t because this whole eighteenth-century experience may have turned her off and maybe she want proper surgical equipment and hot and cold running water again.

“Duh, yeah!” she says, because, all that aside, why wouldn’t any red-blooded woman come back to Jamie Mooney Eye Fraser?

10. Then it’s on to Fergus and Ian in a tavern talking about girls and sex and how one time Fergus had a spiritual experience with two women at the same time. Because Fergus. I mean, look at that kid. He’s probably swimming in ladies. And that manage a trois was when he was like fifteen or something.

Ian says he’s never had a woman before and he doesn’t know what to do. So Fergus tells him to basically get them drunk, tell them they’re the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen, and the most important part, repeat as needed. But don’t let them pass out because then the night is over.

Well, as it happens, there is a girl that Ian has his sights on, so Fergus calls her over then says to Ian, “You‘re on your own. I gotta bounce.”.
The barmaid comes to the table and Ian is like a deer in the headlights. She says, “What can I get you?” and he’s all, “Nothing…”

“Nothing? Your friend just called me over,” she says. And then Ian can’t hold back anymore and says, “You’re the bonniest lass I’ve ever seen. Have a drink with me, anything you want.” So she sits down and smiles and says, “Wiskey.” Ahhh, a girl after Ian’s heart.

SIDE NOTE: I really wanted this whole sex thing to happen after the bookshop burned like in the book. It was so much more hysterical. But who am I, not a book purist, that’s for sure.

Meanwhile, back in the corner, there’s Oily Guy watching with delight because he’s going to follow young Ian to find the contraband liquor and be the hero to his buddy sir Percy.

11. Claire goes to the Campbell’s and finds Margaret hunched over a table, unresponsive. Turns out, Archie’s been giving her laudanum. He tells Claire, that’s the only thing that works to stop her ravings. When Claire goes to see what’s wrong, the woman yells out a helping of gibberish.

raving woman

Claire says, “No more laudanum,” and makes it clear that it will do bad things for her. Turns out, these two are a traveling fortune teller team. And if Margaret accosts people in the street and tells them their fortune, they don’t make any money. He wants people to come to them so they can earn coin. Because bilking strangers for hard earned cash is kind of their thing.

Claire gives Archie a list of things he can give her, and most involve herbal teas. “We can’t do that, we need tonics for the voyage ahead. We’re going to the West Indies. And I’m afraid she won’t be able to take the trip.

“Why not?” Claire asks. And Archie says, “Because if the sailors hear about a madwoman on the ship, they may throw her overboard.”

“Fair point,” says Claire.

12. Ian and Bonnie Barmaid are in the print shop and Ian is trying to sing to her. Trying being the operative word, because this is a case of a bad karaoke night. Kid couldn’t hold a tune if it was handed to him with Velcro gloves. But it’s charming the girl in it’s own way. He’s drunk, she’s kinda tipsy and they’re both having a good time, so what’s the harm, aye?

In the process of having a good time, they start getting busy and Ian wants to go at it horsey style because that’s how the Murrays and Frasers do it. She’s all, “What are you doing?” and he says, “Well, that’s how horses do it, ye ken?” and she says, “Do I look like a horse?”

No, you’re the bonniest lass in the world. “Let me show you how to do it because I’ve done this a lot,” she says. And she seems experienced enough because minutes later, he’s having the time of his life and she’s riding HIM like a horse. (See what I did there?)

13. Back at the brothel, Claire and Jamie are having dinner, talking about their future. He wants to stay in Edinborough, she wants to start up a healers shop somewhere in the print shop, or on her own. He is still not telling her about a certain individual whose name rhymes with hairy.
And the viewers can’t figure out why. Maybe he’s trying the avoidance thing because he’s hoping she won’t find out.

Jamie, meet me at camera three.

Dude, they always find out. They’re smarter than you. You may think that Claire doesn’t have the smarts to make it in the world without you, but she does. It’s kind of her thing, really. You’ve seen her in action. She’s no lightweight. You can tell her, she won’t go away. Because if you don’t tell her, you’ll have a hard time of it later on when she does find out.

But that’s not my place because you’re best friend is here looking for his kid. Jamie tells Claire to keep quiet about seeing Ian and that he’ll explain later. Seems that Jamie is in some kerfuffle with Ian and Jenny about the kid and hasn’t had time to properly bring Lady Jane up to speed on the whole thing.

14. Jamie and Claire go downstairs where Old Ian is standing there getting looked at by hoors. When he sees Claire, it’s like seeing a ghost. Only he doesn’t faint like another guy did the last episode. Ian and Claire hug, and he’s still got this look on his face like he doesn’t believe what is happening.

“It’s you, lass,” he says with incredulity. “How did you get here? Se thought you were dead.”

“Well,” she begins. “it’s a long story involving Boston, the colonies, and has nothing to do with time travel, becoming a surgeon, or being a witch. So how you doing?”

This puts him at ease and he says to Jamie, “Ian has run off again. Do you know where he is?” And Jamie plays it cool like, “Nope, haven’t seen him. Don’t know what’s going on. But I’m sure he’ll be okay, got it?”

Ian tells them the kid’s been gone for a few weeks and Jenny is right pissed and worried about this since it is the third time he’s R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Maybe he’s been taken by a press gang. Jamie’s response is basically, “He wouldn’t last a day on a press gang. The kid is 90 pounds soaking wet. Maybe he’s with a lassie right now. You never know. But I’m sure he’s safe. Or a reasonable facsimile of safe. Go home, I’ll look around here and see if I can find him.”

This relieves Ian a little bit. I’m sure he knows Jamie is hiding something here, and I don’t understand why he lies to his best friend. Probably doesn’t want to upset his sister and brother in law with the misdeeds he gets into and bringing young Ian into the mix with him. But he takes Jamie’s word for the fact that he hasn’t seen Ian and leaves.

15. But it’s the good old coitus interruptus because Ian and Hottie Barmaid both hear noises somewhere else. They run to the window in the print shop and see Oily Guy rummaging around.

“You need to go, but I’ll catch up with you later, cowgirl,” Ian says. So she heads out and Ian confronts the dude.

“Get out of my uncle’s shop!” Ian yells. Well, the dude doesn’t comply because he is an agent of the crown and a crumb all to boot. So he tells Ian that he doesn’t have to leave. Well, naturally, a fight ensues and the man slams Ian up against the wall.

The wall where the safety catch to the treasonous material is. Yeah, how convenient. The guy brings them out and says, “Well, I came here for liquor, but I’ll take these instead.” And Ian tries to stop him but the guy pulls a gun and shoots at a conveniently random glass of some flammable liquid, which starts a fire. Then Ian sprays some kind of acid in the guy’s face and Oily Dude runs out of the shop.

Which is now burning.

To the ground.

With Ian in it.

16. Jamie and Claire are back in the room and she confronts him with the lie they both told Ian. He’s all, “Well, you lied to him about your return, so we’re both in the wrong. And didn‘t we lie all of season 2?”

Listen, telling him a version of the truth and actually telling him I’m a time-traveling witch from the 20th century are two different things here. But Jamie has no reason to lie to Ian about the whereabouts of his son. Jamie’s all, “I’m trying to teach him the ways of the world. He’s like my own son.” But he’s not your son, and you don’t have any reason to keep him away from his parents or lie to his father, Jamie. Claire says, “You have no idea what it is to be a worried parent!”

He stops, turns and says, “I’ve never worried? I didn’t pray every day for the child to be safe? I give a damn why you’ve paraded her around like a whore in a bikini! But I’ve never worried? I worry every day, about all my children! You don’t get to claim sole responsibility for caring about the kids we’ve spawned.”

Touché’ Jamie. Let her have it. You don’t think he worried about his daughter he’s never seen? You don’t think he’s worried about his son who he had to leave when the kid was young? The kid he’s pretty much never going to see the rest of his life? Yeah, Fathers worry about their kids too. My kids are adults now, and I still worry if they’re getting enough to eat and have a roof over their heads. So, Lady Jane, you don’t get to claim sole rights to worrying about the children you helped spawn.



All this is cut rather short when Madame Jeanne comes in and her googly eyes tell Jamie that the print shop is burning down. And I say googly eyes because this woman must be the spawn of Marty Feldman.

17. So the print shop is burning to the ground and everyone is standing in the street watching like

fire meme

Our Dynamic Duo come to the shop and see everyone standing around. Jamie then thinks of Ian, who he let sleep in the shop. He grabs Claire’s cape and runs to the door of the shop, against her protestations.

He dons the cape like a crusader and goes through the door. Then he sees Ian down on the second floor and

super landing 1


deadppol super

And suddenly I’m in a Batman episode, yeah?

Outside, the firemen finally arrive. But it is far too late to slow the fire with their eighteenth-century equipment. The best they can do is slow it down enough for Jamie to come out of the shop with Ian over his shoulder.

Which happens after a long slow shot of the awnings burning and Claire watching anxiously. Then, there he is, with the kid. He runs down the stairs of the shop while the awning collapses behind him. Yay!

18. Outside the shop, the lads are recovering. Mr. Willoughby and Fergus are there two take stock of the situation and help out wherever is needed. Claire is giving aid to Ian, who tells Jamie all that happened.

“The Oily Dude was there looking for the casks. But he found your pamphlets. Sorry, my bad.” Jamie is more forgiving of the lad than most people would be since the seditious pamphlets could lead to his hanging.

what else

So Jamie pulls the guys aside and tells Willoughby to pay off the workers. The print shop is gone, so there’s no need to do any more smuggling so the lads won’t be needed anymore.

He tells Fergus to find the Oily Dude and do what he has to do to make sure the guy doesn’t make it to Percy with the pamphlets. Oh, and call this guy after you do that, because man, I am going to need it.


Then he goes back to Claire and says, “Okay, Sassenach, I guess it’s off to Lallybroch to take Ian home. I cannae say my sister will be pleased with either of us.”

No, she won’t Jamie. No, she won’t. But we’ll get into that next time, ken?

Overall a solid episode of TV. I know it’s an Adaptation. There’s just something off about this episode and I can’t put my finger on it. We have 6 left so I’m sure there’s going to be some really good ones once they get past Lallybroch and sail the high seas. I have high hopes for the rest of the season, and, judging by past seasons, I won’t be let down.

Now here it is, your Jamie Mooney Eye Pic of the Week.


Episode 306 A. Malcolm


What to say, Wow. I can’t even deal with this episode. The hype was high, there were two weeks between Claire walking into the shop and Jamie’s view of her entrance. And what an entrance! I’m sure you all want to hear what I have to say, for whatever reason, so I’ll get to it. This one is long, and I don’t want to get over wordy like I normally do. Oh, and since there were several scenes where Jamie’s Mooney Eye was on display, I’ll be putting them in the recap since there were so damn many and I couldn’t make up my mind on which one was the Moony-est.

Oh, and there may be some nudity in the pictures, so please, by all that is holy, don’t open this at work. I’d hate for you get fired because you were looking at Jamie’s buttocks instead of filling out those fucking TPS reports.

That means you, Jen! You know who you are.

1. Here’s Jamie getting dressed by a madam. And not the “How do you do, Madam?” with a doff to the cap. It’s and actual whorehouse madam. I know, what’s Jamie doing there, right? Well, turns out there’s a reason. We’ll see later on. She tells him he needs to be dressed right by a woman. Can’t have him dashing off looking un-dashing. As he’s leaving, she’s looking at him like she hasn’t had anything to eat in months.


2. Here’s Jamie strutting down the street like John Travolta at the end of Saturday Night Fever. He’s the cock of the walk, going to work like he doesn’t stink. (And he doesn’t stink. Witnesses say he smells like angels are supposed to smell.)

He goes up to the shop and wipes some stray dirt off the sign he has so elaborately worked hard to get, showing a pride in his shop. And what a shop it is.

SIDE NOTE: I LOVED this set. It is fucking beautiful. Everything is perfect, and everything works! Oh, and all those sheets that are hanging in the rafters along strings, those were actually printed by Sam Heughan. Yes, they sent him to Old Tyme Printer’s School. So when he’s doing all the things in the shop, he’s actually printing out stuff. I know, one more thing to admire him about. Anyway, the crew did a wonderful job in bringing this part of the book to life on screen.

Then, he hears some voices in the first floor, so his first instinct is to grab a handy knife he always has on his person. When he recognizes the voices, he goes down to see the two ruffians that are hiding in his shop. I didn’t catch their names, so for the purposes of this recap they’ll be called Fat Man and Skinny Boy.

These are two guys I’m assuming he went to prison with because they call him Mac Dubh. He chastises them for being in his shop and they’re all like, “Dude, we were kicked out of the boarding house. Dinna fash it, we weren’t seen by naught but an owl.”

“Be that as it may,” Jamie says, “I don’t want anyone seeing you in the shop Now get out before customers arrive, yeah?” Then he goes to a secret closet and says, “On your way out, do me a solid and take these treasonous papers to a Papist in Arbroath. And don’t be seen because if anyone finds these, it’ll be your neck.”

Just then, Geordie Laforge comes in and turns out he’s a surly employee. I wonder why Jamie keeps him in his employ because this kid’s kind of a douche. He comes down the stairs admonishing Jamie for keeping the likes of these two in the shop. And the guys start going on about his goiter. “You’ve got a baby growing out of your neck,” says Skinny. “Are you sure you aren’t going to start the next plague?” Fat Man says.

Geordie gets kind of upset here. He says, “I understand they’re your friends. But must I be subjected to ridicule every time I come into the shop?” They say there’s no harm in it, they’re fond of the wee scamp, and that’s how guys show their affection for one another.

It’s true. Guys talk like this and rip on each other when they like each other. It’s part of being a guy. Grow up and get some humor, will you?

So Fat Man and Skinny leave with the treasonous broadsheets and we’ll never see those again. Heh. Geordie is about to get on to business when Jamie asks him to go and get more ash and soot for the printing press. Geordie’s all, “Dude, could you tell me all the stuff you need me to do BEFORE I come to work so I don’t have to go back and forth all day?” and I’m like, “How about you just do what Jamie Fraser says and quit your bitching because that way you keep your job, ken?”

3. Obligatory Jamie Working The Printing Press montage. The bell rings, and he says, “Is that you Geordie? Where did you go to get the ash, the seventh layer of hell?” and in response here’s a woman’s voice saying, “Nope, just me, Claire-bear.”

So he turns around and sees her. And then faints, just like the last episode. Then we roll credits.

Show’s over, we’ll pick it up next week. Nahh, just kidding.

4. Jamie wakes up, sees her looming over him, and says, “You’re real! It’s really you.” and she’s all, “That’s right, daddy-o! Claire Bear is back.” He looks down and sees that his pants are all wet. It’s not what he initially thought (pissed himself) but oil from the presses. So he gets up and starts to pull off his pants and then things get a little awkward.

I get it. They haven’t seen each other in twenty years. And he hasn’t taken his pants off in front of a woman in quite a while. But it’s Claire! Your wife! And she pretty much says that. He’s still a little sheepish.


He walks to her, starts to reach out and she grabs his hand and holds him. He looks down at her hand and sees the ring. She explains that she never took it off. Probably another sticking point in her marriage to Frank.

“I would very much like to kiss you,” he says, and she’s all, “Hells yeah!” so he goes in for a lip lock and here’s a Jamie Fraser Mooney Eye Pic if ever there was one.


And for a guy who hasn’t kissed a lady in a while, man, does he ever know how to do it. And obviously, there’s the Obligatory Romantic Music Crescendo going on in the background.

kiss meme.jpg

Oh yeah, that’s a kiss. And yes, it is twenty years in the making. He’s all, “There’s two of us now.” and Claire’s all, “Yep, now give me another one and don’t stop, ginger.”

But that’s all stopped abruptly when they hear Geordie yell “I Quit! I’m free church, working for a stinking Papist is one thing. But when it comes to orgies in the shop, I’m all against it. God’s tooth, and it’s not even noon!” And barges out of the shop. It’s at this point I think I’ll start saying “God’s Tooth” a lot more.

So they laugh, and Jamie says he’ll just go and explain it to Geordie later on. How, in God’s name he will, is another matter.

“Hey, Geordie. Yeah, that woman I was kissing in the shop? She’s my wife, and I haven’t seen her in twenty years, so give me a fucking break and spare me your self-righteous indignation, okay? Or do you want a job with the best printer in town, yeah?”

He realizes he needs another pair of pants. Luckily he has some in the back room. So he starts to go back there and turns around to look at her. “Uhh, ya wanna come with me?”


“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away, Ginger,” she says. So they go to the back room together.

5. In the back room, he starts to ask how long she’s going to be there, but then realizes, “Oh yeah, our kid. What gives?” And Claire takes out a ziplock bag with a bunch of pictures for him. “This is our daughter.”

Naturally, this information staggers him. But in order to show his age, we first have to see Dashing Jamie in librarian glasses.


Jen! Stop drooling! TPS reports remember?!

She tells him he’s a dashing as ever. She also says he has some gray in her hair but she colored it because she wanted to look young for him. He’s all, “Time doesn’t matter, Sassenach. You’ll always be beautiful to me.”

I don’t know if you could have said anything more romantic in that moment. How dare you?

He looks at the photographs and is overwhelmed by emotion. He grabs the wall, sits down heavily on the cot, and starts looking through the pictures. His voice catches in his throat, then he asks, “What did you name her?”

“Brianna,” Answers Claire. He is horrified. “What did you name her that for?” Claire explains that he instructed her to name the child after his father, and he gives her the proper pronunciation. While he’s looking, he sees the Bikini Picture and flips out. “You let her wear something like that? And with a man around? What are you daft?”

It’s a bikini. All the girls are wearing them,” Claire explains. But inwardly, Jamie’s probably wanting to reach through that picture and rip that guy’s throat out.

At the last picture of Bree holding a catch of fish, he pauses. Then he stands, keeping his back to her, and goes to the mantle. “I have something to tell you,” he says reaching for a portrait. “I have a son.” Then tells her about Willie.

SIDE NOTE: There’s a civil war in the Outlander Fandom over this moment. One side is the BP folks who wanted to see Jamie break down and cry on Claire’s shoulder. The other side is those who see the fabulous acting moment from Sam Heughan and accept it as what Jamie would do. Allow me to throw my guy opinion into the mix.

Men. Don’t. Cry. Period. Oh, sure, we shed a tear over a loved one and an animal we may have lost. Part of being a guy is showing very little emotions to our loved ones. We have to keep tamping that shit down. If we are sad, angry, overwhelmed, or any other emotion that would make us weep, we stow that for later. I have seen grown men with half the stature of Jamie Fraser lose body parts and STILL not shed a tear.
I hear some of you saying, “What about when he broke down after hearing about Fergus?” That was different. We can cry in front of our siblings, and he was relieved at that moment. He was also tired of everything. Of living in a cave, of being heartbroken over losing Claire, over a million things that only Jamie Fraser had lived through. Of course, he’s going to break down. But in front of his wife? Absolute Stoicism. So enough with the “Jamie was supposed to cry here” argument. He didn’t. Get over it. Enjoy the show.

6. So he shows her a portrait of Willie. And it’s pretty good, I’d like to know who they got to paint that. She asks what he’s like and Jamie’s all, Well, take a look at me and you’ll see most of it. Like Father like Son, I guess.

love her

Then Jamie asks if she left Frank for him. “Nope,” she answers. “He dead.” Then he wants to know if she told Frank about him and she’s all, “Yep, everything. Oh, I left out the steamy lovemaking because he just couldn’t keep up that like you could, but yeah. Pretty much everything in between.”

She says he was a good father to Bree, and she liked raising her with him, but she never says he loved her because really he didn’t. I mean, maybe a little bit, but he never wanted to get back together with her. I’ll refer you to recaps 302 to 304.

Jamie hears the chimes of a clock tower and says, “Oh damn. I forgot something. I gotta go see a guy about a horse.” and he starts to get dressed to go. He says, “You want to come with?” and she’s all, “Dude, I’m with you for the duration. Of course. I ain’t going anywhere without you by my side.”

7. So they head out to run this particular errand and lo and behold, who shows up, but our lovable young lad, Fergus! He is beyond happy to see her. He asks how she came back, and she has to go through this elaborate song and dance about not falling through stones to the future and the million questions that come with that. “I left to go to the states after Culloden. Long story short. Now I’m back.” Then she looks at his hand that Jamie Lannister loaned him while Filming of Game of Thrones season 8. Seriously, is that the same gold hand prop?

He says, “Cool. Oh, I lost a hand fighting the English while Jamie hid in a cave.” Then they go off to the side and leave Claire to haggle with the locals over bread pies and handmade cups.

Fergus says, “Dude, what is she doing here? Have you told her about She Who Must Not Be Named?” And Jamie’s all, “Not yet, there hasn’t been time. I don’t even know what’s going on. One minute I’m at the print shop, the next thing I know she shows up and bam. I hit the floor. We kissed a couple of times and then we came here. I literally have no idea what the holy hell I’m going to do with this situation. Go find Ned Gowan, I suppose.” Because when you really need help resolving a legal pickle:


So Jamie comes back to Claire, who has been accosted by a guy trying to sell her Sausage inna pie. “Three pence madam, and I’d be cutting me own throat if I went any less!” Jamie shoos C.M.O.T. Dibbler away and pulls Claire down the street.

“Everything alright?” she asks. “I hope Fergus wasn’t too shocked to see me.” Jamie answers, “No, he was glad to see you. Thanks for keeping the truth of it out though. Hearing you’re a Timelord would have been a little sticky. No, I’m late for a meeting with a guy, so we’d best hurry, aye?” She’s all, “Where are we going?” and he answers, “To The World’s End, then after that a brothel where this episode can get really hot and heavy.”

8. At The World’s End Tavern, we meet Mr. Willoughby. This Chinaman has been at the seat of some controversy for a while on social media. I have no opinion one way or another. I’m glad they kept him from being a stereotype in this episode, apart from wanting to lick the waitress’ elbow. I mean, it’s weird and all, but hey, different cultures, yeah?

Jamie introduces Claire as Mrs. Malcolm, his wife. Her side eye here is on point. Wil is all, “Wife? I thought you already…” but Jamie cuts him off with a look. Then Jamie says, “I have to go meet this dude, so hang here with my comic relief and I’ll be right back.”

9. There’s a meeting with an Englishman who is extorting Jamie for gold to look the other way with his treasonous pamphlets and smuggling thing going on. Naturally, the guy wants more money and Jamie’s all, “Not going to happen.”

To which the dude says, “We’ll see about that, boyo.” Jamie leaves and comes back to Claire and Wil talking about how Jamie found him. He had stowed away from China on a ship bound here. He was starving and Jamie saved his life. She says, “How noble of you.” and Jamie says, “Well, I didn’t have a Murtagh, so I guess he’ll do.”

By the way, why didn’t he tell her Murtagh was still alive? I would like to have seen some mention of that. Sorry, minor nitpick. Back to it, aye?

10. Then it’s off to find food and shelter for the night. So instead of finding a nice respectable hotel somewhere in the tavern district, he takes her to the one place you NEVER take a first date: a brothel. Madame Jeanne’s. Remember the thirsty lady at the beginning? Yeah, her.

And boy is she peeved. “Jamie, how are you?” she asks when she sees him. Before she can say anything, he says, “I’m fine. Let me introduce you to madam Malcolm, my wife.” and the looks that fly back and forth between Claire and Jeanne here are priceless.

So she relents and says, “Your room is ready. Usual rates apply, and I might have to add a bit to compensate me for you having a wife.” They go upstairs into his little room. Naturally, she’s very skeptical about the whole, “My husband lives in a brothel” thing. And he’s trying to deflect by lighting the fire and talking nonsense, but they eventually have to address the elephant in the room.

“Why do you live in a brothel,” she asks. “Are you a repeat customer? Or a pimp?” oh, honey. He says, “No. I’m no a pimp.” Then he goes on to explain that Jeanne is his customer. Claire is still naturally dubious. But Jamie has to lay his cards on the table here.

“Why did you come back?” he asks. “Was it to show me Bree? Or was it to be my wife again?” Claire answers, “When I saw you were still alive, I wanted to see you.”

how did you find me

“I have a life here, kiddo. We know less now about each other than we did when we were wed. Can you take all that?” he asks. She asks if he ants her to leave, and he’s all, “Yeah, no! I’ve burned for you all these years. And now to finally get you again, why would I send you away?” And she answers, “You don’t know about me. I may be a horrible person.“ He says he doesn’t care about that, so they start to share another kiss but are interrupted by housekeeping.


They open the door and a woman named Pauline comes in with a tray of food and wine. I love how you can hear the sounds of coitus in the background during this entire scene. Just like in the book, it adds texture to the scene.

11. So they sit down to dinner, and start to tell each other about their lives in the twenty years they were apart. It’s a pretty montage where they eat and relive memories. In the end, he stands up and asks, “So what now?” and she’s all. “Dude, you want to go to bed?”

to bed or sleep

12. The Unzippening: I don’t know why it took like 10 minutes to take each other’s clothes off, but it works. In getting to know each other again, they really have given the production time for Claire and Jamie to reveal themselves to each other. Part of becoming intimate with each other again is getting familiar with each other’s bodies again.

She gets to the zipper part, and he’s all, “This would have made our wedding night so much faster.” Claire responds, “I didn’t want there to be any problems for you getting me out of my clothes this time.”

She’s bashful, thinking she’s gotten old and ugly. But he’s like, “Baby, you’re as beautiful as the day I met you.” Then they get down to it. This is the point we’ve all been waiting a few years to see. And it doesn’t disappoint. But before they actually get to the deed, they’re both so awkward that he goes to kiss her and bonks his head to her nose. Great act of foreplay, Jamie. You broke her nose.

“No, I didn’t, mister man! Keep up with the recap, aye?”


She tells him, “Do it now, and don’t be gentle.” And when she says that, being gentle is the last thing on his mind. This is all about NEED. For both of them. She has needed this for eighteen years, and so has he.

Claire’s O-face tells us that this is what she has dreamed of for far too long. It’s hot, steamy, loving, and unbridled passion. They are finding each other again physically after all these years. And it is GLORIOUS! I’m pretty sure, by the looks of it, they probably had sex for real here.

We get to see more of Jamie’s backside. And yes, there is a quota of Jamie butt shots in this season. We’ve gotten through 6 episodes and we’ve seen more of it in this season than all of one and two.


Jen! Back to work! Oh shit, there’s Dave from accounting! Quick, click another window! Whew, that was close.

13. Resting in the afterglow, it’s time for more questions. Jamie, you don’t have to keep raising the bar for every other guy in the world, you know. Saying things like her breasts are like ivory and her skin is like ivory is too much. But then when she asks if it’s been that way since the first time they met, saying, “It’s always been forever for me, Sassenach.” is over the line! I mean, who says that? Jamie Fraser, that’s who. Ugh, makes me sick.

“Its like riding a bicycle,” she says. “I don’t know what a bicycle is.” and she explains that they know how to do it pretty well. The sex I mean. He says, “Did you think we would forget what to do? I may be old, but I’m no dead.”

Sounds of coitus make them uncomfortable for an instant. “I should have taken you somewhere else,” he says. “Yeah, I could think of other places to have the horizontal badonkadonk than this, but I’ll take what I get anywhere as long as it’s with you.”

“Well, I’m not a pimp, if that’s what you’re asking.” and she’s glad to hear it. “But what do you do?” she asks.

Then they play twenty questions after Sam fulfills more of his booty quota by walking around the room naked. He sits down at the table and explains that he isn’t a highwayman, a kidnapper, a thief, or a dread pirate Roberts. Not yet, anyway.

Then he explains that his print shop is now his weapon against the British. Instead of a sword and dirk, he uses words. “You don’t get muscles like that working in a print shop,” she says. “Ever tried to run a press, Sassenach?” he asks.

He is also a traitor, still. He’s been arrested a few times, but they’ve never found any evidence. He says he did go to prison after the Rising, and she’s all, “Yeah, I knew all that. Remember, I have a great researcher on my side. I know all about what you did, Mr. Fraser. I especially like the whole “Hid in a cave hunting rabbits for even years” thing.

So he goes back to bed, saying, “I can’t tell you what a joy it was to finally touch you like I did this morning in the shop.” she explains that she isn’t going anywhere. “You won’t lose me unless you do something immoral.” and he stops.

Sensing there is more, she asks, “What, did I say something wrong?” and he’s all, “Well, there is something, I’m kind of a smuggler.” Then he goes on to say that he trades in wiskey, rum, wine, and pretty much anything people use to get blind stinking drunk.

SIDE NOTE: A lot of folks have wondered over the years about why he did a couple of things in between Helwater and the Print Shop. Namely, marry She Who Must Not Be Named, and why he doesn’t tell her until after it’s too late. Here’s the real answer. 1. He didn’t know he would ever see Claire again. Blondie was someone he knew, someone he kind of cared for, and someone his sister pushed him to marry. He NEVER loved her. He tried to do the honorable thing and keep her safe for her children, but he never really wanted her and she knew it. It’s Jamie’s version of the Frank Randall marriage. 2. He didn’t tell her because he didn’t know how. This is a big revelation, and there really isn’t any time to discuss it diplomatically. Especially not when they are in the middle of finding each other. He really doesn’t know when to do it, other than when it happens. He’s kind of a bundle of emotions right now, which means he’s deflecting for a better time, and the fact is, there is no better time.

This seems to assuage her for the moment and they make love again. This time, it’s a passionate affair, under the sheets, looking into each other’s eyes, and finding a soul connection again.

Oh, and don’t watch the latter half of this episode in the employee lounge. Just sayin’. Coworkers kind of look at you funny if they don’t understand you’re watching a TV show instead of straight up porn. Not that this has happened to me. I’m just warning you, that’s all. Jen, this goes double for you!

14. Before she goes to sleep on his chest, she sheds just a single tear for Bree, closes her eyes, and goes to sleep. Because Lady Jane’s Lady parts are a little tired.

She wakes up and realizes that he’s watching her sleep. Yes, ladies, guys do this too. He explains that he could watch her sleep all day long. And yes, we could to. Then the door knocks again, and Consuela is there with housekeeping well before checkout, I might add. Jamie yells that they’ll be right out, and promptly starts going Downtown. And all the girls in the audience:


15. She wakes again, he’s getting dressed. He explains he has to go and do some stuff. But he tells her to stay put. She’s all, “After last night? My legs are like jello. I mean, you wore Lady Jane out, mister. I couldn’t move if my life depended on it.”

So he kisses her and says, “Oh, by the way, you’re Madam Malcolm while you’re here. Not Fraser, Randall, Mackenzie, or Grey. Just Malcolm. Got it, sweet heart?” She throws him a salute, “You got it, Soldier.”

Then he leaves, and she gets up to eat some grapes that seem overly large for the time period. There’s a knock on the door and young Ian Murray comes in. He sees her in her shift and as she puts on more clothes, he’s all, “Oops, sorry, didn’t know you were in here, ma’am. Where’s Jamie Fraser?”

“Uh, he went out. Who are you?” He explains who he is and she’s all, “Oh, you’re Jenny’s kid, right? I’m Claire. Jamie’s wife. How is everyone at Lallybroch?”

“Well, mom’s still mom, Dad’s still got only one leg, but that hasn’t stopped them from making another nineteen kids. All the women at Lallybroch think you’re a witch that cursed her with too many bairns, but Da says that he cannae keep his hands off her, that’s all it is.” then he stops, “Wait, did you say wife? Awkward.”

Then he sees himself out and says, “Welcome back. Well, maybe not so welcome. Anyway, if you see Jamie any time, tell him his nephew is looking for him, aye?” She says she will and that it was nice meeting him. Then she gets dressed to go downstairs and get something to eat.

16. Let’s play mistaken identities, shall we? There’s a table at the foot of the steps where a few of the ladies of the evening are eating a nice looking spread. They think she is a new lass and start talking to her like she is. They’re explaining things like how to take a bath, how to make themselves smell sweet, and also, how to prevent the squealers and if they need to get a guy off quick, just shove a finger up his Aherrmm.

Then Madame Jeanne comes in, sees Claire sitting with the girls and says, “Madam! What are you doing here?”


Well, She’s looking at the other girls horrified because they treated her like a hoor.


Jeanne asks if anyone brought her breakfast, and Claire’s all, “Well, there was a knock at the door but Jamie was Downtown and I didn’t want to stop that, you understand.” Well, we will have that worthless maid flayed for this, and I’m thinking, “Dude, really? Not just a harsh word and a write up sent to HR?”

Claire says that won’t be necessary. She gets up to go upstairs and thanks all the girls for the tips.

17. Then she goes up to the room and there’s a strange bald guy standing there looking all sinister. He’s searching for something in Jamie’s room. Claire says, “I don’t think you should be here,” and he’s all, “No whore tells me what to do. Now get in the bed and earn some coin.”

whos a whore

She says, she’s Jamie’s wife, and who is he? He says, “I’m the guy who was sent to remind you that you’re in a Diana Gabaldon novel!” and promptly goes to commit some kind of horrible depravity on her.

Then the screen goes blank and the credits roll.


Sorry, this was so long. I parsed a lot of it, or else it would have been over ten thousand words. And you don’t want to read all that, I know. I know there are haters out there who want to say that it wasn’t like the chapters in the books. I stopped entertaining their arguments a long time ago. This one was by far the most accurate by the book adaptation I have seen in my fifty years of watching TV and movies. So just for that alone, I give it 5 stars. I’m not a critic. I know good television. This, folks, was great television.

Now, you final Jamie Mooney eye pic of the week.


Why Everyone who loves TV should watch Outlander Episode 6 This Weekend.


Hey all, so now we know that the reunion is happening in a few days. I know, I hated a two-week hiatus too. But it led me to think about all the reasons Outlander fans, and also, TV lovers need to watch this episode.

1. The world has been waiting over 14 months for them to get together. That’s over a year, everyone. We need to see this just as much as Jamie and Claire need to make it official.

2. Judging by the promo, this is going to be The Wedding Episode 2.0. In fact, it will probably be much better than that episode simply because we haven’t seen any Jamie Claire action since I can’t remember when. And it wasn’t that great if I seem to recall. So what’s it been, close to two and a half years since we’ve seen a decent sex scene between these two?


3. Sam’s V. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. This:

unnamed_0 (1)

Hey! Stop drooling. I know you want it, but you can’t have it. It belongs to Claire. Oh, now you’re moping. You’ll be able to see a lot more than that though, which leads me to

4. It’s all about that bass. I’m talking Jamie’s of course. Something we’ve been happy to see with other ladies a couple of episodes in, but now we get to see that butt with Claire. Which is something we’ve all been wanting to see for a few years. Well, not me, but hey, most of my fans are of the lady persuasion, so I have a duty to please their tastes. And look at this dress. Gorgeous!

Screenshot 2017-10-19 09.47.01

I know we all want to see what happens with this hit’s the floor.


5. It’s going to be 75 minutes of pure television bliss. That’s almost like a mini movie. A movie that’s going to have about three or four sex scenes in probably. I’m guessing. Hoping maybe, but well… I’m sure it’s going to rival the love making scene in Bull Durham. Which some people think is the best love making scene ever filmed.

challenge accepted

6. We have to find out what happened after that fainting spell Jamie had. But first we’re going to see what happened before that fateful bell. We get to see Jamie’s day in Edinburgh and see the day from his perspective. Which will be fun, and tension filled. I love this idea. It’s like finding out halfway through Walking Dead 701 finding out who Negan killed.

7. Oh, and speaking of which? What are you more excited to watch? A romantic period drama full of love and romance and sexy highlanders having wonderful sexy time with time traveling witches, or some show with a grunting hillbilly carrying a crossbow and shooting zombies? Wait, that does sound kinda cool. TIVO, you’re my hero on the 22nd.

8. And speaking of post apocalyptic doom scenarios, there has been a lot of frightful news this year. Droughts, forest fires, hurricanes wiping entire islands of their inhabitants, megalomaniacal god emperors in charge of countries that could blow up the world on a whim, and Kim Jong Un. Isn’t it time we had some unreality for a change? Every now and then we have to indulge in a little bit of fantasy, right? I mean the real world can be a little depressing. So why not let loose and watch a show about people loving each other instead of the real world where people are always doing harm to one another?

9. So there you have it, the reasons why you should be watching Outlander this weekend if you enjoy television. I know this one was a little on the short side. (readers of my regular recaps are like, “Finally!”) Do yourself a favor. Watch the love this Sunday. You’ll be glad you did.

10. Did you think I wasn’t going to round it out with a Jamie Mooney Eye pic? Oh, you’re so adorable. And so is he.

Screenshot 2017-10-19 09.47.10(2)

Episode 305 Freedom and Wiskey


Season three is surpassing all of my expectations for what good television is all about. This episode once again proves to be a highlight of raw emotion this book evokes in the reader. I feel like the writers have finally gotten the core of what Diana’s Outlander series is all about.

Earlier this week on Twitter I mentioned that they would end on the bell tinkling in the print shop and then black out. They exceeded even my wishes and went a few minutes beyond that with him actually seeing her and then fainting as tho he saw a ghost. And I thought, Perfect! What a genius move. Let them see each other for a brief moment and then stop it. Then next episode pick it up with him waking up in her arms and realizing she is not a ghost. It was awesome! Thank you Outlander writers for getting it right once again. You have done justice to the best book in the series and I love you for it.

But enough of my boring preamble heaping continual praise on the staff of our favorite TV show, you came here for a recap, so le’s get it done, shall we?

1. Watching Claire doing surgery up to this point was always quick and brutal, even when in the eighteenth century. But Doctor Claire is wonderful. It’s almost instinctive how she operates cooly, under pressure, without any hesitation. She just knows what to do and how to do it. She finishes a harrowing medical procedure like, “What, you can’t do this?” and Joe looks on in wonder.

These two deserve their own show. I can totally see Fraser and Abernathy, MD as a TV show. Full of mad hijinks, solving mysteries, and saving patients.

2. Bree is in school learning about Paul Revere, something she should have learned a long time ago in grade school, but this isn’t the same thing. This is the truth of the fictional midnight ride, which was rewritten to give Paulie boy a bigger role in the historical account. Bree is all, “Speaking of lies, try living one for eighteen years, boyo.” I love the fact that she’s doodling a picture of gothic arches and its spot on perfect. She couldn’t care less about Mr. Revere.

The instructor pulls her aside and tells her she is failing. Duh, I’m not interested in history, but give me three pieces of cardboard, some bubble gum and a sewing needle and I’ll give you the Sistine chapel.

The instructor says, “I knew your father, he was a friend of mine, which means I kind of have to look out for you, ya dig?“ She says he doesn’t have to worry about her, it’ll work out. She’s fine. Oh boy, another woman saying she’s fine. This instructor better get out of the room.


Later, she goes home and takes a look around the house with all of Frank’s things. She is remembering the man who raised her. I think at this moment she realizes that despite the bloodline, she really was his daughter and he loved her very much.

3. Fraser and Abernathy are at it again. They’re drinking in his office, talking about what happened in Scotland. “Joe,” she says, “What happened in Scotland stays in Scotland.” but he’s insistent.

“Did you meet a man, Lady Jane?” he asks, and she’s like a blushing bride. It’s so cute to see her happy finally when she thinks about Jamie. But she explains, “He’s someone from my past, and I tried to find him again, but it didn’t work out, so I guess fate had other ideas.” And Joe is all, “Fuck fate.” like, Lady Jane go out and find this guy because judging how you’re thinking about him right now, he makes your lady parts burst.

Joe, you have no idea.


4. Roger arrives with news and goes to the door to hear a right good stramash between the Fraser girls. He thinks twice about ringing the doorbell, but he’s here, so he can’t just go away. Bree whips open the door with a “What?!” and he’s standing there in all his dorky nerdiness going, “Hi, it’s me. Was just in the neighborhood, figured I’d stop by?”

Well this is awkward. Coming into town in the middle of a Bree/Claire screaming match. After a hug from Claire, the two are right back at it. Turns out Bree wants to withdraw from Harvard and move out, which Team Claire is all against and Team Bree is all for.

Claire, Bree doesn’t want to go to school right away. And do you blame her? Here’s a girl whose father died, her mother takes her to Scotland to find a guy who actually turns out to be her REAL Father, completely blindsides her with that information, tells her that her mother is a time-traveling witch who tried to change history, and then proceeds to search for said ghost.

Chick is exhausted. And I would probably do the same. She has to process, Claire. Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, did you think she was going to bounce back from a series of revelations that completely changed her life in the course of a few days? I don’t think so. Let the kid have a lie down for a few months, aye?

And I love Roger’s looks here. He’s all, “I didn’t want to show up in the middle of a stramash, but I am a man, and I don’t want to say a word so Imma stay out of it.”

Finally, a horn honks and Bree grabs the moment to end the argument and leave. She is as stubborn as her father. As she’s leaving, she looks at roger and says, “Maybe we can hang out sometime.”

5. After catching up on Christmas traditions, Claire and Roger go into the living room and chat over a glass of wiskey. She wonders if having a traditional American Christmas is really why Roger showed up here and he’s all, “Nope. I have some news.”

“I’m a historian, its what I do,” he says. And I’m all, Oh yeah! Me too, Mr. Mackenzie. “I’m like a dog with a bone. I can’t let something go.” so he brings a paper over to her and shows her. “I found him.”

After explaining that the paper shows Jamie wrote a bunch of stuff like Freedom and Wiskey and a Robert Burns poem that couldn’t have been written at that time, he drops the bombshell, “Alexander Malcolm, Printer.”

He’s alive in 1765. Well, this news doesn’t’ have the effect Roger was expecting. Claire doesn’t know what to do. She’s angry at first that he did this because she resigned herself to leaving Jamie in the past. Knowing that she could go back and find him hits her like a ton of bricks. She argues that she can’t leave Bree in this condition. Bree needs me now, more than ever. I can’t leave her with all the stuff that’s happening right now.

Yes, Claire. Yes, you can. Then Roger and Claire agree not to tell Bree this information for what it will do to the girl and I’m all, Claire, you have to! She’ll be fine! She’s Brianna Fraser, daughter of the King of Men. She’ll rule the world one day.

6. She’s in Abernathy’s office looking over the bones of a skeleton found in a cave in a cave in the Caribbean. Claire picks up the skull and says, “So Horace sent you over a one hundred and fifty year old murder victim?”

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Joe says there was a bunch of artifacts with her as well. And then he picks up a few bones and says, “Yep, here’s your proof. She was murdered in the cave with a dull blade. Somebody tried to take off her head. She wasn’t black. She was a middle aged white lady.

Then he segues to her. “What’s up? You look happier.” Well, she explains that she told Bree that the Scot was her real father, and that’s why the kid has been going a little wonky lately. Joe says, “Well, nobody thought you and Frank were Ozzie and Harriet. If you have a chance of real love, take it. Bree will understand.”

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7. Roger is going after my own heart here. Dark Shadows is on and he’s all about it. In case you didn’t know, this is a soap opera about Vampires. And yes, it was a lot better than whatever that stupid sparkly vampire book written by a hack several years ago.

Bree comes in to find him rotting his brain on daytime TV and asks what his colleagues at Oxford would say. He’s all, “They would probably be right here watching because they’re all big nerds just like me.”

He apologizes for showing up at the worst time possible, but then she’s fine with it. He expresses an interest in Boston Cream pie and lobster, and she’s all, “I can help you with that. But first I have to go do this thing at Harvard. There’s one last Frank thing we have to go through before getting into the meat of this episode.” and he is totally down with that because anywhere close to Bree is the best place to be.

8. Frank Randall is getting his own endowment program at Harvard. The dean is all, “Frank was good, he was great. Ra Ra Frank Randall.” Claire doesn’t want anything to do with this whole thing. Especially when she meets


This bitch here. Sorry, but I have little regard for Blondie Harlot. Now I understand that Frank had to get his jollies off with someone other than Claire because the whole Jamie is better than you think, but come on! I was waiting for Claire to splash a drink in her face. Remember the graduation party when Blondie showed up and embarrassed her? Yeah, I didn’t think you’d forget that day. Just for that, she should have gotten a Claire Fraser Slap. And notice I say Fraser, because the Randall section of her life is over, thankfully.

Did she actually think Claire would be sympathetic to her situation? “If you had released him, we would have had happiness.” Look, lady, I don’t know what Frank was telling you, but Claire talked about getting a divorce the very night you showed up in your chippy little dress. Did he not tell you that? No? Well then go away because you are going down the right road for a glass of wine in the face.

Spare me your emotionalism. Frank wasn’t a peach in the best Georgia pie you’d ever eaten. He was a downright scumbag. If that’s your thing, then you could have had him. But he refused a divorce, so shut your whore mouth, Sandra Dee.

9. Claire and Bree are walking out of the place talking about Blondie Harlot. Bree saw Frank talking to her in a bookstore once. And then she asks Claire to tell her the truth. Okay, here goes. “Frank was in love with her. They were seeing each other while he and I were married and raising you. And yes, I know I let it happen, and I wanted him to leave so he could be with her but that’s not how things worked out.”

Bree gets all sad for a minute because she thinks Frank didn’t love her. And Claire says, “No, he loved you like you were his own. I loved you. Neith one of us resented you at all. Even when you were born and I held you for the first time, there as nothing but you. It was the most powerful experience of my life.” And she’s right. Parenthood is something you can’t explain that makes you turn absolutely crazy. You really will never love anyone as much as you love your own children. Hell, when my kids were born, I wept. There is no way to explain this to someone who has never held their own newborn. No way in the world.

Claire also has another revelation. Roger found Jamie. Instead of getting upset about it, Bree is all, “Dude, you should totally go and find him! I’ll be fine. But you should go get that sexy hunk of Scot, err my dad.”

10. Watching the Apollo 8 broadcast with a bunch of doctors and nurses, Joe asks “How do you make a trip like that and come back to the world as you know it?” and Claire starts on one of here patented Claire VoiceOvers. He’s right. How do you come back after making a trip like that? I made a trip like that, only in time. You can come back to your life, but it’s not really the same. Can a person go more than once? Yes, Claire, you can go as much as you want. Duh.

11. She is sitting with Bree much later that day. She explains she could go but what will happen with Bree? Bree says she’ll be fine. Really. Go. Dude! Just get the hell out. Go back to Jamie. It is your destiny. “How will I be able to see you get married, walk you down the aisle, see your first grandchild?” and Bree is all, “Mom, there’s another few books to go. I think you’ll see all that in person. Remember I can go through the stones too, so there’s that. Dinna fash, mother.”

Bree finally reveals, “I’ve been wondering which father I’m more like, and the answer is neither. I’m a lot like you. Plucky, string minded, creative, and pretty much as close to a perfect woman as they come. I’ll be just fine, mom. Now go, get your dress together and go find my pops.”


12. I swear I’m going to make a commercial for “Fraser and Abernathy, MDs.” This scene is too funny. Claire asks him straight up, “Am I attractive?” and Joe is nothing if not honest.

“You’re a skinny white broad with too much hair and a nice ass,” he says. And she’s all, “Aww yeah..” She explains that she could go back to Bree’s father and he says, “Why not? Don’t worry about how you look. He’ll be in heaven when he sees you. After he passes out because he thinks you’re a ghost, that is.”


13. It’s Christmas and the family is exchanging gifts. Roger gives her a book of the history of Scotland and Claire is all, “I wish I had this book when I went through the first time.” Well it certainly would have helped, yeah?

Bree gives her a necklace with a topaz as the setting. It’s Bree’s birthstone. And Claire will need the gem so she can go through the stones. Then Bree asks what she’ll wear and Claire says, “I’ll make my own dress.”


14. Batman TV theme playing in 60s retro music while Claire is making her outfit for the trip is fulfilling all of my love for that show and Outlander at the same time. I am literally laughing my ass off during this entire montage.

She is finished. And she shows it off to the kids. Its not exactly a bat suit but it is pretty much the same thing. It has secret pocket so she can take all kinds of things with her. Like Penicillin, syringes, a batarang, scalpels, and some Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes because it’s been a while since I’ve thrown in a Harry Potter reference.

She has also colored her hair and looks like 18th century Claire again. Roger goes to get something to drink, leaving Claire and Bree to talk. Bree says, “Why don’t we go to the airport with you?” and Claire explains that she doesn’t want to do that because if they go to the stones together like they did in the book, Claire may never want to go.

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So a few drinks later, Claire is all set to go. But not before giving Bree the Pearl Necklace that we her mothers and her grandmother’s before that. Oh, and her resignation letter to Joe, because she isn’t coming back to this hospital ever again, I should think.

15. Then she goes off in a taxi to an uncertain future.
But not before we see Bree go into the kitchen, gather herself up, put on a Santa hat, and come back to the living room where Roger has one more present for her. A copy of A Christmas Carol by Darles Chickens. They set down to read it.

The taxi stops. It’s raining. And she gives the Puddle Prologue. She steps out of the taxi and into a puddle wearing the Batsuit dress.

SIDE NOTE: I don’t remember if they did the prologue in season 2, or if there was ever a chance to do it to begin with. If someone can tell me, that’d be great. I’m sure I have some loyal fans out there who will be able to give me an indication.

She is in 18th century Edinburgh. It’s day time, and she just mysteriously ended up here.

SIDE NOTE: On Screen Adaptations. When I took screenplay classes, there was a term that we learned called “Enter Late, Leave Early.” It was basically a truncated screen tactic to keep the action moving. Don’t show the detectives finding a clue and a person to talk to about that, then have them drive over there, get out of the car, ring the doorbell, and get introduced. Put them right there seconds later. We don’t need to see Claire getting into the airplane, the flight over the water to Scotland, going to the stones, and through them. We already know how that works. We want to see her step out of the taxi and be there already. The in between part is boring. That’s why they didn’t show it, and I’m glad. It would have added nothing to the production of this episode.

16. She finds a young child sweeping the streets in the middle of a day in Edinburgh, and asks him where Alexander Malcolm’s print shop is. He’s all, “Carfax Close, ma’am. Oh, and you want to pick up that Saran wrap you just dropped, ya litterbug?” (Book readers will get this)

She goes around the corner, sees this elaborate sign, A. Malcolm printer. And it’s a rather fancy sign for just a normal old printer. But the fans all squee because this is the moment we have been waiting for the last fourteen months. But it’s like two minutes to the end of this episode and I totes know what they’re going to do. She goes up to the door, steels herself for the coming storm, and walks through.

The bell rings, and I’m expecting a black out and roll credits. But it keeps going. Okay, let’s see where they end it. Then she hears Jamie say, “Geordie is that you?” and it jars her because it’s the first time she’s heard that particular slice of heaven in twenty years.

So she walks down the hall and sees him down below with his back to her. And she says, “No, it’s not Geordie, Jamie. It’s me, Claire.” He does a slow turn around, and we see him. But he doesn’t look at her like he’s happy. He’s horrified. And he just stands there for a second and then he passes out. Just goes down to the mat like a champ. Or someone who has just seen a ghost.

She’s all like,

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So now we have a two week hiatus to find out what happens. The next episode will make up for it tho, with a 75 minute run time and probably a few hot scenes between our two favorite people in TV land. At least it’s not nine months between “I’ll thank you to take your hands off my wife.” and the rescue of Claire. Oh, and the next one is going to be totally not safe for work or kids. So put them to bed early because we can be guaranteed about 15 minutes of straight up Outlander porn.

So that’s it. See you next time. Oh, and since there wasn’t really any Jamie, here’s a guest Mooney eye look with our Favorite nerd, Roger Mackenzie. Don’t worry, the next week I’m sure I’ll have a million screen caps to choose from with our fair red haired lad.